Sports
Posted on February 5, 2007
ALIEN ASCHBERGER: WELCOME TO “SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!” A SPORTS COMMENTARY SHOW ABOUT THE CONTINUING IMPORTANCE OF HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS ARE!
CORNELL CORNLICKER: THAT’S RIGHT! SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
AA: SO, CORNELL, I ASK YOU . . . NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, ARE SPORTS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEY WERE WHEN THEY WERE ONLY VERY IMPORTANT A FEW DAYS AGO?
CC: ONE WORD, BABY: PITCHERS AND CATCHERS. PITCHERS AND CATCHERS, BABY!
AA: THAT’S TWO WORDS, YOU DUMB IDIOT!!!
CC: SUCK YOURSELF, ALIEN!
AA: KNOW WHO CAN SUCK HIMSELF NOW? PEYTON MANNING!
CC: AND THAT COACH, TOO, HE CAN SUCK HIMSELF, AS WELL. AN ALL-NIGHT-LONG SUCK HE CAN DO IT NOW HE IS SO IMPORTANT.
AA: THE IMPORTANCE OF SPORTS MAKES SUCH SUCKING POSSIBLE NOW MORE THAN IT EVER HAD BEEN POSSIBLE BEFORE WHEN SPORTS WERE ONLY RATHER IMPORTANT!
CC: SPORTS ARE VERY MUCH MORE IMPORTANT NOW!
AA: THE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN VETERAN’S DAY, IN FACT.
CC: BUT WITHOUT VETERAN’S DAY WE WOULD HAVE NO SPORTS TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE SPORTSMEN WOULD BE KILLED DEFENDING OUR RIGHTS TO PLAY SPORTS WITHOUT BEING KILLED.
AA: A VERY IMPORTANT POINT!
CC: WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I LEARNED IMPORTANT LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS. VERY IMPORTANT LESSIONS WITHOUT WHICH I WOULDN’T HAVE LEARNED THESE LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS BUT DOING SOMETHING ELSE THAT WAS NOT AS IMPORTANT.
AA: WHEN MY SON WATCHES US YELL HE LEARNS IMPORTANT LESSONS NOW MORE THAN WE EVER DID LEARN PLAYING SPORTS. ALL WE HAD WAS “THIS WEEK IN BASEBALL”.
CC: BUT IF WE DIDN’T YELL HOW WOULD PEOPLE KNOW THAT SPORTS ARE NOW VERY IMPORTANT?
AA: THEY WOULD THINK SPORTS WERE A SECRET!
CC: BUT SPORTS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF A SECRET!
AA: THEY ARE SUPPORTED BY ADVERTISERS WHO FEED OUR OBSESSION WITH ANIMALS AND HUMOR AND CELEBRITIES!
AA: A CAVEMAN ACCIDENTALLY ELECTROCUTED BY A CELEBRITY TO HELP SELL CAR INSURANCE TO SPORTS FANS SHOULD NOT BE A SECRET BECAUSE IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON, BUT NOT AS IMPORTANT AS SPORTS ARE. AT LEAST NOT NOW THAT SPORTS ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SPORTS EVER WERE IMPORTANT.
CC: WITHOUT SPORTS, YOU WOULD NOT BE SITTING THERE DRESSED AS A SPANISH INQUISTOR BUT WOULD BE DRESSED AS A MAN OF IMPORTANCE STOPPING KIDS FROM KILLING EACH OTHER OVER IVERSON JERSEYS AND THE JERSEYS OF OTHER BASKETBALL PLAYERS AS IMPORTANT AS IVERSON AND ATHLETES WHO DON’T EVEN PLAY BASKETBALL!
AA: HA HA HA. BUT BECAUSE OF SPORTS I SIT HERE WEARING THIS WOLFMAN MASK YELLING AT YOU ABOUT HOW SPORTS ARE IMPORTANT UNLESS WE ARE ATTACKED OR BOMBED OR A BIG STORM COMES WHEREUPON WE SAY THAT SPORTS ARE MOMENTARILY UNIMPORTANT.
CC: BUT OTHERWISE SPORTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN CITIES ENJOYING THE SLOW PROCESS OF BEING DESTROYED BY OUR IMPORTANT FASCINATION WITH SPORTS. FOR EXAMPLE OUR GOVERNOR ON TELEVISION TALKING ABOUT SPORTS WHEN HALF OUR CITY IS DESTROYED!!!
AA: IF IT WEREN’T FOR URBAN DECAY, WE WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE SPORTS BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO DISTRACT OUR GOVERNOR FROM!
CC: HA HA HA! THAT IS VERY FUNNY! I KNOW WE KEEP SAYING IT OVER AND OVER BUT IF WE STOPPED SAYING IT IN A VERY LOUD VOICE FOR A MOMENT MAYBE WE WOULD FORGET HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS WERE AND MAYBE WE MIGHT START YELLING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
AA: HA HA HA! TOO FUNNY!
CC: HA HA! FUNNY, YES!
AA: HA! HA!
CC: THAT IS VERY FUNNY!
AA: BUT NOW WE MOVE ON TO IMPORTANT SPECULATION ABOUT NEXT YEAR’S SUPER BOWL WINNER! –>
Filed Under Lee | 3 Comments
The
Posted on February 3, 2007
On the soccer field, he was alone, but he was never lonely. Like a monk deep in meditation, a Buddhist perched beneath the Bodhi tree, he crouched between goalposts, an 8 foot by 8 yard sanctuary that no one could violate. Every step an opponent took inside the box, even a toe across the 18, was a threat that had to be warded off by any means necessary.
He’d been described, by various terrible writers, as a whirling dervish, an unstoppable force, a madman in a technicolor dreamcoat. He’d been an inspirational story, a cautionary tale, and a flash-in-the-pan, sometimes all at once. The pain of loss, one writer said, was etched on his face, carved into the premature wrinkles around his grey eyes and evident in the military set of his jaw as he assaulted a sailing corner kick.
Eventually, the terrible writers from the local papers were overtaken by mediocre writers from the national papers. They flocked to Northeast Philly to pimp his pain and fill the void of human interest stories, left by a lull between runaway brides and dead American girls in Aruba. For a week, he was the human interest story, the kid whose father had stabbed himself in the thigh during a meth binge and bled to death on the couch, and whose mother was dying of AIDS in a prison cell. A great story, a real American tragedy—the confluence of drugs, violence, and sex in a crumbling city. If only he were black; then they could really push it to the next level.
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Filed Under Soccer | 3 Comments
The
Posted on February 2, 2007
July 4th, 2003
Subject: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]
Mr. President,
The UN has approved our proposal of establishing the International Governmental Football League (IGFL) as an alternate means of settling diplomatic disputes. The rules are as follows:
1. Kofi Annan will act as Commissioner, unless we can persuade David Stern to leave the NBA.
2. All nations must field a team comprised of, and coached by, government employees. Even some rogue factions—Iraq and Al Qaeda, for example—have agreed to join the league.
3. We will play a 10 game season, followed by a 10-team playoff. Teams will not enter the playoffs based on won-loss records, but rather playoff seeding will be determined by a complex computer ranking system that takes into account fifty-eight carefully chosen factors, including: quality of victory, team colors, attractiveness of cheerleaders, strength of schedule, average yards per punt, number of Hail Mary passes completed, number of flea-flickers run, and an international text message poll.
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Filed Under Football | 2 Comments
