The International Government Football League: Emails from Donald Rumsfeld to George W. Bush

Written By: TMC

Posted on February 2, 2007

July 4th, 2003
Subject: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Mr. President,

The UN has approved our proposal of establishing the International Governmental Football League (IGFL) as an alternate means of settling diplomatic disputes. The rules are as follows:

1. Kofi Annan will act as Commissioner, unless we can persuade David Stern to leave the NBA.
2. All nations must field a team comprised of, and coached by, government employees. Even some rogue factions—Iraq and Al Qaeda, for example—have agreed to join the league.
3. We will play a 10 game season, followed by a 10-team playoff. Teams will not enter the playoffs based on won-loss records, but rather playoff seeding will be determined by a complex computer ranking system that takes into account fifty-eight carefully chosen factors, including: quality of victory, team colors, attractiveness of cheerleaders, strength of schedule, average yards per punt, number of Hail Mary passes completed, number of flea-flickers run, and an international text message poll.

July 5th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Yes, sir, I would love to be the team’s defensive coordinator. I was afraid you’d ask Ridge to do it instead of me. Franks has agreed to be the linebackers coach, but Powell doesn’t want to coach my defensive backs. He seems to listen to you—maybe you can talk him into it?

July 11th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

WTF?? Commissioner Annan has written to inform us that the league will not approve our recent hiring of Brian Urlacher as Head of the US Department of Kickin’ Ass.

July 19th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Coach Landry,

Now that we’ve officially named you head coach and quarterback—and bought you the snappy Landry hat—I thought we’d begin talking about the offense. Some people think Jack Kemp should be the quarterback, but I think he’s washed up. Besides, he could be a good backup, and maybe play some linebacker. Others have suggested that we start Heath Shuler, but come on. Seriously, Heath Shuler? ROTFLMAO! I’d rather forfeit than play him at QB, even if we do have Largent and Swann at receiver.

Also, Cheney desperately wants to install a shotgun offense that he thinks will be unstoppable, if occasionally inaccurate. But you know that guy and his bombs. LOL.

July 28th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

The UN will not approve our hiring of Brian Urlacher as Foreign Minister of Whuppin’ Ass.

They’ve also disapproved of our naming the following players honorary Congressmen: Tom Brady, Ray Lewis, Brian Dawkins, Trevor Pryce, Richard Seymour, John Henderson, Shaun Alexander, Michael Strahan, Brandon Lloyd, and Walter Payton. They said it’s time to stop making up phony jobs for people and just play the games straight up. Mr. Annan added that Brandon Lloyd sucks and Walter Payton is dead. Oh, and I heard a rumor that Strahan might be a gay.

August 2nd, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Good news: Ms. Rice has agreed to sign on as our team’s head cheerleader. She looks pretty good out there too—I’d totally hit it.

August 12th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Coach Landry,

The preseason loss is no big deal. Nobody pays attention to these games anyway. I do have to say, though, that Kennedy might need to be benched. He’s a terrible guard, sloppy and unfocused.

August 19th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Don’t worry about your poor passer rating in the preseason; those numbers don’t mean anything. Just stick to your guns and keep firing those balls wherever you want. Eventually defenses will learn to get out of the way when they see you coming.

August 24th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

The season’s approaching soon. Time to make some tough cuts. Kerry says he’s been at every practice, but I can’t find anyone who believes him. That guy is totally lame LMAO. And it was nice to give Gerry Ford a chance, but I think he’s just too old to hack it.

TTYL

August 30th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Don’t worry, sir—that wasn’t the ghost of Strom Thurmond haunting the practice field today. It was just Al Davis stopping by for a visit.

September 8th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Very tough loss to China yesterday.  They’re just so efficient—it seemed like there were a thousand of them on the field at once. You hate to open the season with a loss, but America has always been strong enough to fight through all kinds of adversity. Plus, it looks like we have a keeper middle linebacker Hilary Clinton, and McCain is a bulldog at defensive end. The man’s endurance is unbelievable.

Also, Al Gore has taken it upon himself to protest the outcome of the game, claiming that China’s last touchdown shouldn’t count; something about the ref being Chinese. We’ll keep you updated on Gore’s progress, although we both know this isn’t going anywhere.

Rest up, sir. We need you to ice that arm up, especially since it looks like Ashcroft won’t be back in the backfield for a while. That knee injury was brutal.

September 9th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Mr. Annan called today to insist that we not name Brian Urlacher Head of the US Department of Being a Ringer at Middle Linebacker.

September 10th, 2003
RE: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

We felt like our scouting on China wasn’t strong enough—we tried to take them on without knowing the first thing about them—so our expert intelligence officers have compiled scouting reports on the remaining quarterbacks/leaders on our schedule.

North Korea: They talk a big game, but they’re not much of a legit threat. Kim Jong Il is too short to play quarterback, and has far too many passes batted. He makes rash decisions and will turn the ball over. He’s reckless and unreliable back there; the IGFL equivalent of Michael Vick.

Iran: I know you get mad when you have to pronounce that guy’s name, so we’ll just call him Steve. But you know who I’m talking about—the leader and QB of Iran. They’re a late entrant into the league, but couldn’t resist the opportunity. Steve is pretty sharp back there, and, although their practices are closed to the public, I’m pretty sure they’ve got some serious firepower on that squad. He’s fairly young and quite active in the pocket, if erratic and vindictive. If we pressure him, he could blow up on his teammates, but he might also sneak a couple big plays through. He’s dangerous, but if we hang back, he’ll pick us apart all day and dictate the pace of the game. New defensive tackle Ed Rendell has offered to pull a Kimo von Oelhoffen on him and take out his knee; worth considering.

France: I know you have your email set up to filter the F-word, but we have to talk about them. Chirac is a game manager at QB. He takes very few chances and will take what the defense gives him, but he doesn’t inspire his teammates to greater heights or accomplish much of anything. Too willing to take a sack, and has gone too far with Bill Belichick’s philosophy of occasionally taking a strategic safety; in the preseason France allowed 19 intentional safeties.

Cuba: Castro has a well-documented love of baseball, and rumor has it that he was once granted a tryout with a major league team. His strong passing arm can attest to his athletic history, but the team’s system is very much stuck in the past. They run an offense more old-fashioned than Lombardi’s, and their preferred method of travel (hijacking planes as a team and re-routing them) could certainly result in problems with fatigue and maybe even a forfeit or two on the road, if their plan falls through. Also, years of smoking have ravaged Castro’s lungs and he’s less mobile than Brad Johnson back there.

Germany: Lots of great athletes here. Big, strong guys who all look alike. Almost as if they were bred to be some kind of super team. They lack the killer instinct they’ve had in years past, but are no longer a divided team, and are still the most dangerous blitzing team in the league. Rumor has it they’re trying to grant citizenship to Kevin Green, who would fit perfectly into their system.

Russia: Evil and on steroids, all of them. As usual. Luckily, our American spirit and heart can overcome their cheating. They are quite good at spreading the ball around, however, and have an unbelievable homefield advantage. They’re great in the snow, and, supposedly, have considered adding Grey Goose enthusiast Maurice Clarett to their ranks, which could be trouble.

Vatican City: A team to watch for. Although their roster is smaller than most, and quite old, they have lots of good fortune and seemingly unlimited financial resources. They can be ruthless when motivated, and won’t hesitate to throw the Hail Mary. They’re quite poor, however, at in-game adjustments, and haven’t adapted with the game. The only team, by the way, that doesn’t have cheerleaders on the sideline, but, curiously, is cheered on by a boy’s choir.

Iraq: This team is marked by questionable leadership. Saddam is like the Alex Rodriguez of the IGFL—he puts up great stats against weak teams but struggles against legitimate competition. His teammates don’t trust him or believe in him. Even his own sons are duds, kind of like the Shulas. I can’t see any way we could possibly struggle here.

Al Qaeda: A tough squad. Osama bin Laden is older and on dialysis, but he’s crafty. A prototypical quarterback, he’s tall and rangy, and very elusive. He’s not afraid to throw the bomb or make bold strikes, but he’s also hard to bring down. This team could cause real trouble; his teammates would lay down their lives to protect him, and you’ll never question their desire on the field. Also, they’ve been known to devise some excellent, surprising gameplans; a very crafty bunch.

Okay, sir, that’s all. The other coaches and I are about to put together a gameplan for Iraq, and Powell assures me that he’s got some great tricks up his sleeve. We should blow them out by the end of the first quarter. Then everyone will forget about last week’s struggles and you’ll be right back on top where you belong.

Besides, if this whole football thing doesn’t work out, we could just go back to the original plan and bomb the shit out of everyone.

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