An Open Letter from Tim Hardaway to the Public

Written By: TMC

Posted on February 21, 2007

Hey y’all, this is Tim Hardaway, checking in to clear my name. Y’all might’ve heard about how me and Dan LeBatard were talking about that gay dude from the Magic, and how I said some things about how I wouldn’t want no gay dudes on my team. Somehow, since then, the media’s got things all twisted and they’re trying to act like I’m some kind of hater, like I’ve got some kind of problem, know what I’m saying? And the thing is, I’m not a bad guy. I just wear my heart on my sleeve, you know, like I always did on the court, and you all loved me for it back then. So what’s the problem now? Why you gotta act like I’m some kind of monster?

Yeah, sure, I said I hate gay people. And then I said it again the next day. But, like I told some reporter yesterday, I only hate gay people like I hate broccoli. I mean, broccoli’s gross. Seriously, nobody likes broccoli, right? I mean, unless it’s covered in cheese or butter. Kinda like gay people. Nobody likes them, not even with butter.

See, that’s how I think on people. I kinda like compare them to foods, you know? Gay people are broccoli because they’re gross and you don’t like them and you only have to swallow it because they make you even if you don’t want to and you think it’s disgusting and evil.

Same kind of thing with Mexicans. They remind me of pizza, cause it’s everywhere, you know, but not all of it is good, and there’s some real nasty pizza out there. I’m a thin crust man, myself, by which I mean, I’m against illegal immigration and I wish they’d learn to speak English.

Then you’ve got Indians—I’m talking about the guys with the feathers and tomahawks and stuff, like the Thanksgiving Indians—I think of them as being kind of like dolphins, ‘cause dolphins used to be around a lot more, but now they’re almost extinct. Plus, Indians are always dancing and making crazy noises, which is kind of what Dolphins do. So, you know, it’s like, I see seafood, but right away I think of Indians.

I call Australians jalapeno poppers, because I think the poppers are crazy weird, even though I kinda like them.

And the Chinese, I say they’re like rice. That’s mostly ‘cause I’ve never met no Chinese before, but I know they eat a lot of rice. Me, I’m not a rice guy, so I guess I’m not a China guy either. Who needs ‘em?

Eskimos, they’re cool with me. I never met no Eskimo either, but I think I’d like them fine. They’re kinda like pumpkins, cause pumpkin only really comes around once a year, and that’s about how often I think on the Eskimoes.

I have met a bunch of Muslims, though. Crazy motherfuckers, you know? I think of them like steak. I like them, but they might kill you if you ain’t careful.

Some black guys are Muslims, and I don’t know how to handle that, but I have thought about light skinned black guys—they’re like baked chicken. You know, they’re kinda good, but not as good as when it’s fried. I’m putting it out there—I don’t like light skinned black dudes as much as I like darker black dudes, but I still like them better than white dudes.

There’s three kinds of white dudes: regular, Canadian, and Jewish. Regular white dudes, they’re nothing but trouble. That’s why I think of them like Taco Bell, ‘cause every time I eat that stuff I regret it. You think it’s gonna be so good, but you always pay for it later. Same thing with the white dudes—they always trick you like they’re gonna be good for you, but you know they ain’t, and you always regret it. I never liked playing with white dudes, not even Mullin; that’s why I left the NBA. Too many white guys around.

The Canadians are fine though; they’re the good brand of white, like how cherry Coke is the only good brand of Coke. But that’s not how I usually think of them—I just came up with that one off the top of my head, know what I’m saying? Normally, I compare the Canadians to cheerios. Real boring, but good to have around, and you kinda need them. If Canada wasn’t there, America would probably just float away.

As cool as I am with Canadians, that’s how not cool I am with the Jewish whites. Thing about them is, you never really know who’s a Jew or not. It’s like they want to hide it, so you can’t tell they’re there, same way gay dudes try to sneak around on us. They’re everywhere, but you barely know it, something like salt and pepper. You know how every food seems to have salt and pepper in it, but you wouldn’t really know unless you asked? That’s how the world is too. Everywhere you go, there’s some Jews controlling stuff in the background, but you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t looking for it. That’s why I don’t salt-pepper my food no more; I don’t like how sneaky it is. That stuff’ll kill you.

So, you can see how my comments weren’t so bad as everyone’s saying. It’s not that I hate gays necessarily; it’s just that I don’t want them to exist in the world, or on my dinner plate, because they’re disgusting, and if I ever have to see another one again I might snap. Thanks for the chance to clear my name—it was important to me to let everyone know I’m not a bigot, I’m just a picky eater.

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