Coach

Posted on March 21, 2007

From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH

Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point during his session with Krumrie, Branch appeared to be ready to quit.

Gil Brandt of NFL.com corroborates this in his Pro Day updates: “Tim Krumrie worked Branch hard during the position drills, and the scouts there said Branch did not look like he was in very good shape.”

Krumrie, better known to most fans as the guy who got Theismanned during Super Bowl XXIII, is a legend in league circles for the no-pads hand-fighting test, to which he subjects many of the linemen he is scouting.

“It’s Gladiator stuff,” said one league source.

For Branch, who is projected by many as a top-ten pick, the end result apparently was thumbs down.

Rumors may be trickling at the Rumor Mill, but here at Sportfiction there’s a virtual torrent of speculation at what actually happened. One extremely well placed source described the incident for us in intricate, immediate detail. His account follows.

Coach Tim Krumrie and top defensive tackle prospect Alan Branch stand alone in a gymnasium.

Coach Tim Krumrie: Slap me, big fella!
Alan Branch: Huh?
Coach Tim Krumrie: I said slap me!
Alan Branch: Why?
Coach Tim Krumrie: You want to get drafted, slap me!!
Alan Branch: Okay.
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A

Posted on March 16, 2007

(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)

David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.

Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured on HBO’s Inside the NFL. I have a regular column on SI.com called Mundane Morning Quarterback in which I assiduously detail my airport and coffee experiences and my daughters’ softball games. From what I am given to understand, it looks like I’m in denial that my daughter Mary Beth is a lesbian, a fate she in fact could never avoid because of a distressingly close resemblance to me.

David Beckham: And what’s your question?

Peter King: Oh. Right. Well, do you think you will be playing kicker, and for what team?
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Results

Posted on March 15, 2007

Dear Coach Tyrone,

Usually I don’t go in for letters. The whole idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings and then licking a stamp and waiting by the mailbox for a reply? I’ll be honest, it feels a tad womanish. But when I tried to get your attention at last week’s Mid-Season Awards Banquet and Fish Fry you pretty much had your hands full with that suck-ass Bud Gindry, who I can’t even be in the vicinity of without wanting to sock him right in the eye.

Unlike Bud Gindry, I’m not a man in favor of useless yammering. What I am in favor of, Coach T, is Results. Results like winning ballgames by double-digit margins and going deep into the playoffs and causing opposing ballcoaches to think about whether they should just fire up the team bus at halftime instead of sticking around for two more quarters of painful helmet-to-helmet tackles and pancake blocks and post-touchdown celebratory taunting.
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DRAFT

Posted on March 9, 2007

Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28

Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre showing in the Filing Challenge (a scout for Citigroup noted Hanson’s problematic need to repeat, under his breath, the “alphabet song,” particularly for files in the R to W range). But a good showing in the typing test really increased his stock, and that impressive Bend n’ Sniff marks him as an employee sure to be a boss’s favorite.

Draft Projection: Early 2nd round — “Yes man” to corporate C.E.O.; personal assistant to Nicole Ritchie.
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What

Posted on March 9, 2007

I saw my Dad for the first time in four years today. I stood in the supermarket in front of the frozen meats and he was at the end of the snack aisle, penned in behind a fleshy, red-faced woman and her cart full of sugar water and canned death. I waved to him, but he looked straight through me, as if he were trying to read the expiration date on the pork chops behind me. I rushed toward him to give him a hug and tell him I’m sorry I never hugged him enough before, and he’d better come back right away and see my new house with the dogs, and the little cave where I do my work, and the quarter-sized hole in the middle of the living room floor, and the big TV in the big living room where we can watch football together.

And if he didn’t come I would be so mad; last time he disappeared on us I wasn’t ready for it and I’m still not ready for it, no matter how many times I act like it doesn’t bother me. You promised us you were done scaring us, I said, and still he stared past me. You promised you would come home.
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