This is The Redskins’ Year…

Written By: Other

Posted on March 5, 2007

By: Ronald Otis

I just got off the phone with Steve. He’s pretty psyched about the Skins’ off-season so far, although he said he kinda hoped we would have done more. Maybe Adalius Thomas or Stallworth. I told him it’s only been a week, and he says we had Randle El, Archuleta, and Saunders by this point last year, so why should we get hyped about Smoot coming home?

Good point, I said. Maybe we’ll pull off a trade for Lance Briggs. We don’t have a ton of draft picks this year, but we can always send some from next year. That’s the thing other people don’t understand when they rag on us for giving up all these draft picks—we get new ones every year. For free. Why not trade them? It’s like finding oil in your backyard and then not selling it. If we hadn’t traded our picks last year, we never could have signed TJ Duckett, then, you know, who would have run when Portis went down?

Anyway, we’re off to a good start, I think. The Eagles are cheaping out as usual; they’re such a joke. The only time they ever did anything was ’04 when they spent a bunch of money, and still they don’t get it. We get it, though. We know.

Yeah we make mistakes. Not often, though. We lost Smoot a couple years ago—screwed that one up. But we fixed it pretty quick by getting him back. He’s a shutdown corner, Steve reminded me. Yeah, the sex boat thing, that’s a problem, but as long as he keeps the boats off the Reflecting Pool, we’ll be fine with that. It’ll be good to have a veteran presence in town to keep Sean Taylor under control too. Don’t get me wrong—Taylor’s great (did you see him blast that punter in the Pro Bowl? Never saw Ronnie do that!), but if he matures a little, he’s headed to the Hall of Fame.

I don’t really see why the team needs to add anyone, but if you can get more players, why not? I never really thought it was fair to limit teams the way they do. I’m not talking about the salary cap; I can’t believe we’re still the only ones to figure out it doesn’t really exist. It’s the NFL’s version of the monster under the bed—if you don’t believe in it, it’s not there. No, the “cap” actually helps us, because every other team is worried about shuffling pennies around while we go get whoever the hell we feel like. The problem I got is the roster limit. Why should we be stuck with only 53 players if we want to pay more than that? Hell, we’re still paying Bruce Smith and Deion anyway, so they might as well be allowed to suit up. If the new Commissioner would just cut out that communist-every-roster-is-equal crap, then we could really roll.

Sometimes I dream about it, a league with no roster limits. What I’d do is I’d cut everyone, then sign everyone else. Then, before anyone had a chance to sign our guys, I’d sign them too. We’d bring 300 guys to camp and let them fight it out, may the best 275 men win. And we’d pay them all at least a million; if anyone offered them a new deal, we’d double the offer, then double our offer, just to make sure they’d stay.

See, a rich player is a happy player. A happy player is a productive player. And productive players mean more wins. That’s why we pay everyone fifteen times more than even they want. If everyone’s overpaid, then they’ll all be motivated to win for us. Some people rip our system, but it works here in DC too—pay quadruple for half the production, and you’re bound to win, because even if you get half of what Adam Archuleta has, then you’re way ahead of most teams. The proof is in the results.

So maybe it’s not the most exciting off-season yet, but I know we’ll be back in the headlines soon. There’s some big time players out there still. Daniel Graham could take Chris Cooley’s spot (I’m sick of that guy). Aaron Brooks is available, and Jason Campbell already blew his chance; he’s not getting any better. I’d also look into picking up Chris Brown, Reno Mahe, and Jamal Lewis to create some competition at halfback. And another couple receivers, but that goes without saying. Cut a couple linemen—too boring!—and backups—if everyone’s a starter, then you don’t need backups!—and you can fit them all on the roster. Think about that offense. That’s better than anything you’d seen in Madden. Who needs defense if you outscore everyone?

This year is the year. I can feel it in the air, that electric, the same buzz as when Brunell took us to the playoffs in ’05. Before you know it, we’ll have every good player in the league, and no one’s gonna stop us from getting back to the top. Then, when I call Steve again, he’ll remember how I told him to be patient and just hang on. Maybe we’re in a deep hole right now, but we’ve started digging upward, and no one can stop us. And if we still don’t win games, maybe we’ll just buy the trophy and bury it at midfield so no one else can ever have it again. Either way, I can guarantee we’ll buy ourselves a championship sooner than you think.

Ronald Otis is an accountant who lives in the outskirts of Washington, D.C. He hates his job, but he hates the Redskins, and their fans, even more. He once bowled a 278 game while drunk, and is currently completing work on a short story collection entitled “Nobody Cares What Your Dog’s Name is or How Tall Your Children are.”

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