DRAFT

Written By: Mike Ingram

Posted on March 9, 2007

Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28

Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre showing in the Filing Challenge (a scout for Citigroup noted Hanson’s problematic need to repeat, under his breath, the “alphabet song,” particularly for files in the R to W range). But a good showing in the typing test really increased his stock, and that impressive Bend n’ Sniff marks him as an employee sure to be a boss’s favorite.

Draft Projection: Early 2nd round — “Yes man” to corporate C.E.O.; personal assistant to Nicole Ritchie.

Name: Janet. K. Livingston
Age: 24
Education: BA, Harvard; MBA, Wharton School of Business
Height: 5’6”
Weight: 115
Hands: 7 ¼”
IQ: 174
Words Per Minute: 63
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 8 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 9.34 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 15

Analysis: A stellar resume, great internship experience, but she really hurt herself with a sub-par typing time. If she’d been able to go 75, even 70 WPM, scouts say this candidate could be staring a six-figure deal in the face. Unfortunately, typing is absolutely the number-one most important skill for any young professional entering the workforce.

Draft Projection: Late second day — Management Trainee Program, Enterprise Rent-A-Car

Name: Lauren T. Moltisanto
Age: refused to disclose
Education: Oberlin College
Height: 5’4”
Weight: refused to weigh-in
Hands: “Why are you grabbing me?”
IQ: 174
Words Per Minute: 102
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 10 min.
40-yard Sack Race: refused to run
Bend n’ Sniff: “You want me to do what now?”

Analysis: Huge upside, a natural talent with a great feel for the game, but “sassy” attitude at the combine has many scouts worried about “character issues.” As one Verizon scout noted: “Is this really the kind of team player we want when it comes time for the company picnic/employee Olympiad?”

Draft Projection: First Round — Entry-level position with a Fortune 500 company that can afford the gamble; short-term contract with incentives tied to good behavior.

Name: Jeremy “Jack” Duggans
Age: 33
Education: High School Equivalency
Height: 5’8”
Weight: 187 lbs.
Hands: 8 ½”
IQ: 87
Words Per Minute: 8
Filing Challenge (100 documents): incomplete
40-yard Sack Race: 7.84 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 21

Analysis: Scouts are concerned with candidate’s utter confusion during typing test. As one IBM rep noted: “Has this guy ever even used a keyboard?” Also demonstrated a lack of proficiency with filing, as midway through challenge candidate turned to scorer and said: “Wait, wait, wait. You mean alphabetical order?”

Draft Projection: Late second day — Kinko’s; Dell Customer Support

Name: Candace Firestone
Age: 20
Education: Holyoke College
Height: 5’2”
Weight: 120
Hands: 8 ½”
IQ: 145
Words Per Minute: did not type
Filing Challenge (100 documents): did not file
40-yard Sack Race: 12.34 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 12

Analysis: Candidate will type and file at Holyoke’s March 30 Administrative Professionals Day. Appeared slightly bloated and glassy eyed, leading to speculation that she’d spent the weeks since December graduation drinking sangria and sending alternately threatening and pleading emails to her former boyfriend Jason, who’s currently studying abroad in Spain and is, in her words, “a real son-of-a-bitch” but also “has a totally great heart.”

Draft Projection: Mid-Fourth Round — Peace Corps; The Gap

Name: Gheorghe Muresan
Age: 36
Education: Cluj University, Romania
Height: 7’7”
Weight: 250 lbs.
Hands: really freakin’ huge
IQ: 115
Words Per Minute: fingers too large for standard computer keys, tester unable to find special “typing wand”
Filing Challenge (100 documents): incomplete (administrator’s note: “candidate grabbed all 100 documents, balled them up and ‘dunked’ them in the waste receptacle”)
40-yard Sack Race: disqualified after ripping four consecutive sacks
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 12

Analysis: A slightly older candidate interested in embarking on a second career. Few business skills; hobbies include: acting, ventriloquism, stuffing it right back in the face of any fool ignorant enough to bring his shit into the lane. Delightful smile and an eagerness to learn.

Draft Projection: Early First Round — New York City law or brokerage firm tired of humiliating last-place finishes in corporate basketball league

Name: Jeff Bowden
Age: 45
Education: Florida State University
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 195
Hands: surprisingly small, surprisingly soft
IQ: did not test
Words Per Minute: did not type
Filing Challenge (10 minutes): 0
40-yard Sack Race: 18:20 (administrator’s note: “insisted on performing three-legged race with father; fell down after first 4 yards, father dragged him rest of the way”)
Bend n’ Sniff: 1 (administrator’s note: “candidate unable to fully dislodge nose after initial sniff”)

Analysis: Recently re-entering job market. Special skills include: punctuality, always remembering to wear pants. One scout noted that, during the filing challenge, candidate appeared confused, ignoring documents and instead huddling in the corner and shouting seeming-non-sequitors: “let’s go off-tackle again!”; “throw the gosh-dang jump ball!”; “I love you Daddy!”

Draft Projection: Undrafted — may walk on as middle school P.E. teacher, or guy who hangs out at one end of the bar and mutters how he “totally used to coach that team, no I swear I’m serious, well fuck you, too, buddy.”

Name: Kevin Federline
Age: 29
Education: “School of hard knocks, y’all!”
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 178
Hands: 8 ½”
IQ: 89
Words Per Minute: “Yo, this typin’ shit is wack, y’all!”
Filing Challenge (10 minutes): “PopoZao, y’all! Popo-freakin’-Zao!!!!”
40-yard Sack Race: 6.3 sec
Bend n’ Sniff: 128

Analysis: Great Sack Race time and a natural at the Bend n’ Sniff. Administrators noted a short temper, with candidate several times threatening to “dance-fight all y’all bitches right this goddamned instant!” According to scout from Hartford Financial Services: “I’m all for business casual, but c’mon — at least launder the wife-beater.”

Draft Projection: Walk On — Surreal Life Season 12, Celebrity Fit Club Season 23

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