Who Will Be the NHL’s Pat Tillman?

Written By: TMC

Posted on March 12, 2007

March 11, 2007
From: Commissioner Gary Bettman
To: NHL Player’s Association
Subject: Recent Negative Press

Good afternoon, everyone! I write today with news of an exciting new plan to improve our public image and to boost our ratings. As you know—or maybe you don’t know, but now you do—our ratings lately have been less than stellar. They’ve been not great, even. But they will be better, thanks to my leadership and your cooperation, which I’m assuming I have, because I know how much you all want to work with me to make this league great again.

As you probably know, the United States is at war right now. We—the NHL—do not have a stand on the war and don’t plan to take a stand on the war. People in America are very sensitive about people taking stands on things and they would rather us not say anything at all, so we’re keeping our mouths shut about the rights and wrongs of the situation and letting the government do what governments do. It’s not our place and it shouldn’t be our place, so we won’t say anything, because, as we’ve said, it’s best not to say anything.

The thing is, Americans don’t like when people take stands on things, but they still want us to talk. Always, they want talking, but they want nothing said. I know we—that is, me and you, the player’s association—don’t agree on many things, and that’s been covered well enough over the years, but I do commend you, as a whole, for never saying anything substantial or provocative in any way. Without Brett Hull around, we only have to worry about Roenick, but even he isn’t that bad, especially compared to the guys in the other leagues, and that’s the one thing we know we’ve got over everyone else: we don’t say stupid things.

Still, there’s controversy, always controversy, and now it’s about the violence. They—they, meaning, the media, the people of America, of all races and genders and religions—say we’re too violent. When Chris Simon swung his stick at Ryan Hollweg’s head like it was a fastball, people didn’t like that. They booed and they cursed and they called meetings to talk about how bad we are and how much trouble we’ve caused, and how we’re ruining the children’s minds.

But when the Sabres and Senators got in that brawl and the goalies were laughing while they fought, everybody cheered and talked about how fun hockey is, because we were laughing when we fought, and that’s one thing I want you all to do from now on—try to smile, even if you’re hurt or bleeding. Blood is okay as long as it’s pooled up in your smiling dimples. Dimple-pooled blood is good even, and I recommend more bleeding and smiling, so long as you do both simultaneously, and never separately, because too much smiling without blood will make people think we’re not serious enough about our beloved sport.

Yes, this solution is brilliant, but it is actually only the first, and less brilliant, part of the solution, so please don’t stop reading now when there is so much more to see. Here is the most brilliant part: we’re going to find another way to celebrate the violence without making Americans actually see the negative side of the violence. What’s better than pooling blood in dimples? I’m sure you have no idea. After all, that’s why we’re paid to make decisions for you and tell you what to do—you’ve had too many concussions and most of you barely finished high school because of your hockey commitments, so I know you have trouble reading and thinking on your own, and I truly appreciate the opportunity and the responsibility of having to think for you, although I do admit that sometimes it is a bit taxing to try to think of everything for you when sometimes I wish you could just figure these things out on your own. But I know it’s my job and I do my job well.

Today I’m writing to make you an exciting offer to become one of the best known hockey players in the world, better known even than Crosby, Forsberg, Ovechkin, or Gagne. Not as popular as Gretzky, but more popular than Yzerman. And Yzerman was no slouch; he was very popular, and who doesn’t want to be more popular than him? All you have to do is agree to retire from the NHL today and enlist in the US Marines.

Think about the excitement! The traveling! The workouts! You’ll see the world, get in the best shape of your life, and learn how to shoot a gun, which in today’s changing world—especially with the rise of gang-related activity, hip-hop music, and crack-cocaine—is very important.

You can also defend your country and fight evil. I hate evil, and, as your commissioner, I’m ordering you to hate evil as well, in order to help us win this battle. The battle against the Muslims is one thing, but the real issue is our battle against lacrosse, televised dog shows, strongman competitions, and figure skating for supremacy on the sports scene.

No, I didn’t say football because I’m not delusional; football is in charge now. And why is the NFL on top of the world? Because of Pat Tillman, that’s why. You all know about him retiring from the Cardinals to join the Marines. Everybody knows him. He’s a hero, a positive face for an entire league and a beacon of hope for the country. It’s unfortunate about him getting shot, but that’s not really the point, because we promise that you won’t get shot. If you do get shot, though, we promise that you’ll be a hero, not only to people across America, but to your teammates, your league, and to me.

But don’t think about me. It’s not about me. It’s about you. If you go overseas and take a bullet—somewhere safe, not too painful, like the shoulder—while fighting the Arabs, then it’s all about you. They’ll throw parades for you, build statues, give you book deals, and let you go on motivational speaking tours. All I ask is that once you become a legend and they carve your face into Mount Rushmore, you remember to promote our product.

With your sacrifice, we know we can generate the kind of buzz that we desperately need to scale back up the ratings. Think of the benefits of the extra revenue for your teammates, their families, and their disabled children. If you sacrifice yourself for the cause, you can bet that we’ll make triple the money we’re making now, and it will all go back into the players’ pockets, and we’ll be important again, just like we used to be before you decided to start cheating and holding and fighting and slowing the game down and boring people, and then causing the labor stoppage.

But let’s not dwell on how you ruined the game because we’ve fixed it for you with shootouts, bigger rinks, smaller goalies, glowing pucks, and air cannons that can fire a bobblehead up to 400 feet into the hands of our delighted customers. And now we’ve finally found the way to save your futures.

So who’s it going to be? Who wants to be the NHL’s Pat Tillman? Who wants to save America and the NHL while simultaneously destroying evil? Who wants to be a hero on par with George Washington? Please don’t respond to this email because I don’t read email unless I have to. All you have to do is make the sacrifice, announce your retirement, and enlist. We’ll know you’ve done it, and we’ll give you our full support. After that, it’s smooth sailing, while you just wait for the rewards to roll in, and our league returns back to the top where it rightly belongs.

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