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Written By: Aaron Pease

Posted on March 16, 2007

(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)

David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.

Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured on HBO’s Inside the NFL. I have a regular column on SI.com called Mundane Morning Quarterback in which I assiduously detail my airport and coffee experiences and my daughters’ softball games. From what I am given to understand, it looks like I’m in denial that my daughter Mary Beth is a lesbian, a fate she in fact could never avoid because of a distressingly close resemblance to me.

David Beckham: And what’s your question?

Peter King: Oh. Right. Well, do you think you will be playing kicker, and for what team?

David Beckham: (Laughs) Yes, I will be kicking the ball quite often. That’s a huge part of the game, obviously. I’ll be playing for the L.A. Galaxy.

Len Pasquerelli, ESPN: The who what now?

David Beckham: The L.A., that’s Los Angeles, right? Galaxy. As in the local football team.

Len Pasquerelli: Football team, in L.A.? As if! Somebody get Al Davis on the phone!

David Beckham: Excuse me?

Len Pasquerelli: There are no football teams in L.A.

David Beckham: But what about the Galaxy?

Adam Schefter, NFL Network: Never heard of them. David, this is Adam Schefter of NFL Network. Why the NFL, and why now?

David Beckham: I thought it was the MLS?

Adam Schefter: No, that’s a terrible disease.

David Beckham: Huh?

Adam Schefter: MLS. It’s a disease.

David Beckham: I thought it meant “Major League Soccer.”

Adam Schefter: “Soccer”? What’s that?

David Beckham: It’s football.

Adam Schefter: No, soccer isn’t football. Football is football.

Peter King: I think by “socking” David meant “hitting.” And there is some “major league socking” that goes on in the NFL. David, if I gave you a million dollars, would you “sock it to” my daughter?

David Beckham: No, I said “soccer.” In America you call football “soccer.”

Len Pasquerelli: No, we don’t. We call football….foooott…bawllll.

David Beckham: I think there’s been a huge misunderstanding here. I am a star football player, in the European sense. That is, what you Americans call soccer. We run around in shorts and shirt and kick the ball with just our feet—no hands—and wildly celebrate when we score, in ways that break many cultural taboos.

Adam Schefter: Everything before “wildly celebrate” is jibberish to me. Can you explain again?

David Beckham: Yes, of course. In England, the biggest sport is called foot…no, “soccer.” This sport involves kicking the ball into the opponent’s goal without using your hands or arms in any fashion.

Adam Schefter: Okay, I think I understand now. But it sounds really gay. And to follow up, how do you think playing such a gay, sissy sport will prepare you for the rigors of American football?

David Beckham: In no way has it prepared me for American football…I will be playing American soccer for the L.A. Galaxy.

Len Pasquerelli: American soccer? What the hell is that? Is that like a French military victory or good English food?

David Beckham: I don’t follow.

Len Pasquerelli: An oxymoron.

David Beckham: What are you calling me?

Len Pasquerelli: An oxymoron is a word or phrase that’s inherently contradictory. Like American and soccer.

David Beckham: Now I’m very confused.

Peter King: David, I’m afraid the only way to deal with my daughter’s sexual confusion is to gradually introduce her to successively more masculine men until we get to Rosie O’Donnell levels. Right now we’re on the 10% masculine scale, which is why I am thinking of you right now. What do you say?

David Beckham: This is all perplexing. None of you have heard of soccer or European football?

(Blank stares, sound of crickets chirping)

David Beckham: All right then. How do you know who I am?

Peter King: My daughter saw that movie about your life story, where you were played by Keira Knightley. She has pictures of you all over her room.

David Beckham: Of me, or Keira?

Peter King: It’s hard to tell. Would you mind personally confirming for me? And if anything just “happens” between you and my daughter, well, we can just chalk that up to the “call of the wild.”

David Beckham: The movie “Bend it Like Beckham” is not my life story. It’s about girls’ soccer.

Len Pasquerelli: Oh, girls soccer, okay, I’m following you now! My daughter plays it!

Adam Schefter: Yeah, my sister played that before.

David Beckham: Men play it too.

Adam Schefter: Men play girls soccer?

David Beckham: No, men’s soccer.

Adam Schefter: Men’s soccer? What’s that?

David Beckham: It’s the same as girls soccer, but with men.

Len Pasquerelli: How is that possible?

David Beckham: Men’s soccer actually came before girls soccer. For a long time, women weren’t allowed to play sports, but after the 19th Century’s Industrial Revolution led to the advancement of technology, middle-class women had more leisure time. Unsatisfied with the roles established for them, they worked hard for things like universal suffrage and equal rights and equal pay. Through many setbacks and reversals, progress was eventually made. Then, the sexual revolution of the 60s led to government protections of women’s right to pursue their own happiness, and through legislation like your Title IX, women were given the opportunity to be the athletes they always dreamed of being.

ALL: Ohhhhhh…..

Adam Schefter: And so then they made the game easier and less fun, so that women would enjoy playing.

David Beckham: Umm…no. not really. The rules are pretty much the same.

Len Pasquerelli: So you’re saying you are a big star at a girls game.

David Beckham: No, I’m saying that girls soccer is just like men’s soccer, but with girls playing it. You know, like women’s basketball. It’s the same as men’s basketball, right?

Len Pasquerelli: Are you kidding me? Women can’t dunk!

Peter King: Except for Lisa Leslie…

Adam Schefter: But she’s black.

Len Pasquerelli: That is true. I did not take that into consideration.

David Beckham: Look, this is getting ridiculous. You racist Americans are ignorant of the most popular sport in the world, a game that involves grace and speed and agility and thousands of fans who kill each other in the stands. And you sit passively by and watch some incomprehensible sport that involves dressing up like Mad Max and hitting each other and slapping asses and no one in the stands do anything but watch. It is disgusting. I’m going back to England.

Peter King: David! David! One last question! In your next movie, can someone more masculine play you? I’ve got Rosie on speed dial! David! David! I’m just looking out for my kid here!

(Transcript ends)

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