Coach

Written By: Aaron Pease

Posted on March 21, 2007

From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH

Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point during his session with Krumrie, Branch appeared to be ready to quit.

Gil Brandt of NFL.com corroborates this in his Pro Day updates: “Tim Krumrie worked Branch hard during the position drills, and the scouts there said Branch did not look like he was in very good shape.”

Krumrie, better known to most fans as the guy who got Theismanned during Super Bowl XXIII, is a legend in league circles for the no-pads hand-fighting test, to which he subjects many of the linemen he is scouting.

“It’s Gladiator stuff,” said one league source.

For Branch, who is projected by many as a top-ten pick, the end result apparently was thumbs down.

Rumors may be trickling at the Rumor Mill, but here at Sportfiction there’s a virtual torrent of speculation at what actually happened. One extremely well placed source described the incident for us in intricate, immediate detail. His account follows.

Coach Tim Krumrie and top defensive tackle prospect Alan Branch stand alone in a gymnasium.

Coach Tim Krumrie: Slap me, big fella!
Alan Branch: Huh?
Coach Tim Krumrie: I said slap me!
Alan Branch: Why?
Coach Tim Krumrie: You want to get drafted, slap me!!
Alan Branch: Okay.

(slaps Coach Tim Krumrie, weakly, on the cheek.)

Coach Tim Krumrie: You call that a slap? That’s a undrafted free agent slap, not a Round One slap. Not a guaranteed money slap. Shit, [Penn State Defensive End, Taken First Overall, Injury-Prone and Widely Considered a Bust] Courtney Brown slapped me so hard I came immediately. It was painful, actually.
Aland Branch: Uh, where are the other coaches?
Coach Tim Krumrie: It’s just you and me, big guy. So slap me. Slap me now or so help me God I will slap you so hard in the face, your vision will blur and it will look like I’m double-teaming you. Which I wouldn’t mind doing, by the way.

(Alan Branch grabs at the cell phone concealed in his sock for just such an emergency, and furiously tries to dial 911 but Coach Tim Krumrie slaps the phone out of his hand.)

Coach Tim Krumrie: You want to make it in the NFL, you got to learn how to slap. Now take that! And that! And that!

(Coach Tim Krumrie starts slapping the shit out of Alan Branch, who tries to parry the blows raining down upon him. Michigan stalwart Alan Branch is 6 foot 6, 330 pounds; Coach Tim Krumrie played his whole career around 260, and Branch probably has him by 100 pounds by now. But Branch refuses to hit this esteemed former NFL player and now coach who as a Cincinnati Bengal redefined the nose tackle position, even recovering from a catastrophic broken leg suffered in Super Bowl XXIII to play at a high level. And Branch also suspects that this may be an episode of Punk’d, or some sort of psychological test NFL teams are so fond of. Finally Coach Tim Krumrie grows tired. He clinches and buries his head in Branch’s chest. He starts to weep.)

Coach Tim Krumrie: It’s not easy being me. I can’t tell you how many young men like you I have coached: big, huge, monstrous, yet gentle men, who can hold me, comfort me, complete me. But they never do. They never ask me to sit on their lap, to cuddle up, to rest my head on their chests. No, I’m the one who must be strong, I’m the one who holds people close and cuddles them, like my stupid wife and kids. I’m the big hairy bear…but…Alan…can you be my big hairy bear? Just once? Just for a little while? You make me feel so small…and…

(Coach Tim Krumrie blows his nose right into Alan Branch’s t-shirt. Alan Branch tries to push Coach Tim Krumrie away, but realizes that Coach Tim Krumrie has locked his arms behind his back. Many Big Ten offensive linemen have tried this with him, and he knows that one short violent move can free him. He makes a fist with both hands under Coach Tim Krumrie’s neck and pushes Coach Tim Krumrie’s head back.

Coach Tim Krumrie unlocks his grip, and Alan Branch slaps Coach Tim Krumrie down with a resounding, Top 10 in the 2007 NFL Draft smack. He runs for the door. But Coach Tim Krumrie is a hard man, and he is quick. He jumps to his feet and overtakes Alan Branch in a dead run. He jumps on Alan Branch’s back, locking his legs, and delivers a volley of slaps to Branch’s head and face.

What follows is almost comical, as Branch throws Coach Tim Krumrie off his back and makes a beeline for the other door of the gymnasium. Coach Tim Krumrie catches up with him, his face creased by a maniacal smile. Branch grabs a large plastic trash can and throws it in Coach Tim Krumrie’s way. Coach Tim Krumrie stumbles over the can, then picks it up and throws it over Branch’s head. Branch stumbles to the ground and Coach Tim Krumrie is on him in a flash. He kicks the crap out of the trash can as Branch howls and tries to roll away.

Finally Branch lies still, and Coach Tim Krumrie pulls the trash can off. He fiddles with his zipper and it looks like he is going to piss on Branch. Then the door at the opposite end of the gym opens and a few reporters file in. Coach Tim Krumrie quickly zips his shorts back up and turns to them with a triumphant smile.

Coach Tim Krumrie: Yet another pussy DT that can’t take my slap fight test. They don’t make ‘em like they used to. I pulled some real Gladiator shit on him, and he couldn’t handle it. Right Mr. Branch?

(Coach Tim Krumrie prods Alan Branch with his feet. Alan Branch moans and rises to his feet unsteadily. He wobbles toward the other gym exit.)

Reporter 1: Wow, Alan branch’s stock is really dropping!
Reporter 2: He looks out of shape!
Reporter 3: Gladiator shit. That’s a great quote. Think I can take it?
Reporter 2: Make it, “Gladiator stuff.” Then it’s yours!
Reporter 3: Right on!!
Coach Tim Krumrie: Excuse me ladies, but I got some more slapping, I mean scouting, to do.

(All the reporters laugh, enamored.)

Coach Tim Krumrie: Actually, I need to administer my own personal Wonder Lick Test to Mr. Branch. Meet you all back here in a half hour?
Reporter 1: You got it, Coach Tim Krumrie.

(Coach Tim Krumrie takes Alan Branch’s hand and leads him away. Alan Branch looks back in desperation at the reporters)

Alan Branch: Nooooooooooo!! Save me!!! Pleeeaassse!!

(Coach Tim Krumrie leads Alan Branch through the door and closes it behind him. The reporters are left alone.)

Reporter 2: That guy IS a pussy.
Reporter 3: He may not even go first day.

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