The NFL Countdown Crew Predicts the 2012 Super Bowl

Written By: TMC

Posted on March 28, 2007

Chris Berman: Welcome back to NFL Countdown everybody! As you know, it’s the off-season for the NFL, but we don’t get an off-season here.

Tom Jackson: That’s right, Boom!

Berman: Thanks, Tom.

Jackson: No problem, Boom!

Berman: I love this guy! Anyway, as you know, TJ, Steve, Mort, Mel Kiper, Bill Parcells, and I just started a new project for ESPN last week, in which we predict the outcomes of every Super Bowl for the rest of the century. Let’s get a recap from Steve “Only the Good Die” Young!

Steve Young: Well, in 2007, the Lombardi Trophy was returned to its rightful owners when the New England Patriots beat the Dallas Cowboys by a score of 23-16. Adalius Thomas would have won the MVP trophy if not for Tom Brady’s heroics, as he threw for nearly 200 yards and would have thrown at least 2 touchdown passes if they hadn’t been scored by other players. The game effectively ended when Terrell Owens dropped a pass, then fell to the turf in tears and was called for consecutive delay of game penalties while he pounded his fists against the turf. Then, in 2008, the Patriots dominated the regular season, only to struggle in the playoffs, where they barely won all of their games, but still won the Super Bowl, thanks to Bill Belichick’s superhuman intelligence—

Berman: You’re going too slow! Faster, faster!

Young: Um, okay… well, in 2009, the Patriots lost in the Super Bowl, but only because Bill Belichick had left New England to take the head coaching job in Detroit, which he promptly turned around into a powerhouse, after they signed Tony Sacca off the scrap heap and gave him the reins. From there—

Berman: Too slow! Too slow! TJ, take over!

Jackson: Sure thing, Boom! 2010- Patriots Revenge. Brady M V P! 2011- Patriots play Lions and get JACKED UP! Now 2012 is about to get JACKED UP!

Berman: God, I love that guy. Mort, what’s on the radar for 2012?

Chris Mortensen: Well, Boom, I’ve talked to my sources, and they tell me that Tom Brady is announcing his retirement soon, so that he can run for the presidency in 2012. His campaign manager? Well, it would’ve been Belichick, but don’t forget that he died in that awful treadmill accident during the 2011 off-season, so it seems that Brady will hold open tryouts on a reality television show to see who would be his best campaign manager. The smart money is on former WWF manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan to win the contest and lead him to victory. As for the Patriots, they still have Troy Brown and Junior Seau on the roster, but they figure to be on their last legs. So you have to wonder if they have the magic anymore…

Berman: And what about the other teams?

Mortensen: Who cares?

Berman: Great stuff, Mort. Now, Mel, what do you have coming up in the draft?

Mel Kiper, Jr.: WELL GUYS I’VE JUST COMPLETED MY 19TH MOCK DRAFT OF THE OFFSEASON AND ACCORDING TO THIS ONE, THE GIANTS WILL BE SELECTING TOM BRADY’S 6 YEAR OLD BASTARD SON TO PLAY QUARTERBACK AND REPLACE ELI MANNING, WHO WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH DOWN’S SYNDROME.

Berman: Interesting stuff, Mel!

Kiper: OF COURSE THE THING IS, THAT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN AT ALL, IT’S HARD TO SAY REALLY, BUT I’LL GUARANTEE YOU ONE THING: THE GIANTS WILL DRAFT SOMEONE. ALSO, I’VE HEARD THAT THE BRONCOS ARE CONSIDERING DRAFTING A ROTTING HORSE CARCASS TO PLAY HALFBACK BECAUSE THEY’RE CONFIDENT IT’LL BE AT LEAST AS GOOD AS RON DAYNE WAS FOR THEM.

Berman: Don’t you mean Ron “Great” Dayne? Speaking of football, hey coach, what do you think?

Parcells: About what?

Berman: The 2012 season!

Jackson: JACKED UP!

Berman: Not now, TJ.

Jackson: Sorry, Boom!

Parcells: What the hell is wrong with you two?

Berman: We’re just excited about football, Tuna!

Parcells: Don’t call me that.

Berman: Thank you, Bill “United” Parcells “Service.” Great delivery of that insight! Steve, who do you think is the frontrunner this year?

Young: I’ll tell you, Boom, I really think the Cardinals are a team on the rise. We’ve said it before, but this could be the season they finally break through. They’ve got some good defensive players, plus Bill Bidwill’s mysterious, Bob Crane-style death in Ken Whisenhunt’s bedroom has really allowed the team to start spending—

Berman: Okay, great, whatever. Mort, any other news?

Mortensen: Well, Boom, I’ve been talking to some people in the league office, and they’ve suggested that the league may consider allowing the Patriots to play in both the AFC and the NFC, in order to balance out the two conferences. So there’s a chance we can see a Patriots vs. Patriots Super Bowl.

Berman: Even without Tom Brady?

Mortensen: Well, of course not without him. The good news is, our nation will be in good hands now that he’s begun his political career. Think about it like this: he’s 10 times the quarterback Jack Kemp was, and Kemp was also a pretty good Senator. Therefore, Brady will be at least 10 times better at politics, which will put him somewhere between Abraham Lincoln and Superman.

Berman: So, Bill, who wins the Super Bowl?

Parcells: When?

Berman: 2012! Come on, “Brady” Bill Parcells, don’t you have any insight to add? What about your Cowboys? Will grizzled veteran Tony Romo finally win the big one? Will it be the Eagles, who have lost 5 straight NFC Championship games? What about Matt “Crossing the” Leinart and the Steelers?

Parcells: This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ve read TO’s children’s book. I’m out of here.

Berman: Well, the show must go on!

Jackson: At least that retard Irvin still isn’t here, Boom!

Young: Yeah, I was sick of him always interrupting—

Berman: Mel, you’ve got news for us?

Kiper: JUST GOT THIS IN THROUGH MY BLACKBERRY GUYS—IN RESPONSE TO THE UNFORTUNATE PACMAN JONES-LENDALE WHITE MURDER SUICIDE FOLLOWING AN APPARENT ROBBERY OF AN AIRPORT BURGER KING, THE TITANS WILL BE FORCED TO TRADE DOWN THIS YEAR AND STOCKPILE PICKS. I’M TOLD THAT THEIR TARGETS INCLUDE TWO-SPORT STAR RON ARTEST, SUBWAY SHOOTER COLIN FERGUSON, EXECUTED GANGSTER STANLEY “TOOKIE” WILLIAMS, AND CAMBODIAN DESPOT POL POT.

Berman: Great stuff, Mel. Steve, how do you think this affects the Titans in 2012?

Young: I think they’ll have serious problems if they draft Williams or Pol Pot, since both are already dead, but the other two could help. Artest brings a tenacity to the field that we haven’t seen since Lyle Alzado, and the Titans could use some more fire in their locker room.

Jackson: Get to the point, retard! Are they going to win the Super Bowl or not?

Berman: No time for your answer, Steve “Marcus Vick likes his girls to be really” Young. We’ll just assume that you love the Titans because their quarterback has the same last name as you.

Young: I don’t think it’s the Titans year—

Berman: Time for one more update. Mort?

Mortensen: Big news coming across our futuristic, ESPN Mobile powered telephone lines, Boomer! Word is, the Redskins have traded all of their draft picks through 2027 to the Panthers—who, you might remember, moved in 2009 from Carolina to Wichita, thanks to the East Coast being engulfed by the rising Atlantic Ocean—for the rights to Rae Carruth, Fred Lane, Tim Biakabatuka, and a player to be named later. This will have a big impact on the season!

Young: How many of those guys are even alive?

Kiper: ENOUGH TO MAKE A BIG IMPACT, STEVE, AND ACCORDING TO MY EXPERT ANALYSIS, HAVING MORE DRAFT PICKS ALLOWS THE PANTHERS TO DRAFT MORE PLAYERS THUS GIVING THEM MORE YOUNG PLAYERS THAN THE AMOUNT OF YOUNG PLAYERS ON OTHER TEAMS

Berman: So you think this will put the Panthers in the Super Bowl, Mel?

KIPER: NO DOUBT. ACCORDING TO MY PROJECTIONS, IT’S THE PANTHERS, RAMS, OR SEAHAWKS WHO WILL MAKE IT THIS YEAR, ASSUMING THAT THEY ALL SHOW UP AND PLAY ALL OF THEIR GAMES. SO, YES I SAY THE PANTHERS WIN IT, UNLESS THEY HAVE TROUBLE SCORING AND ANOTHER TEAM OUTSCORES THEM ALONG THE WAY, BUT IF THESE THINGS DON’T HAPPEN, THEN IT SEEMS MORE LIKELY THAT THE PANTHERS WILL WIN BY SCORING MORE POINTS THAN THEIR OPPONENTS AND THEY SHOULD BE EVERYONE’S PICK FOR THE SUPER BOWL, NOT THAT THE NFL ENCOURAGES GAMBLING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

Berman: Thank you, “S”Mel Kiper, Jr. Any last thoughts, Tom Jackson “Browne?”

Jackson: 2012 just got JACKED UP!

Berman: It sure did, TJ. It sure did. And we’ll continue jacking up the years until we determine the outcome of every NFL season for the remainder of the century, so that even the elderly and terminally ill among our audience can know what they’ll be missing.

Panthers win the Super Bowl in 2012, beating the Oklahoma City Fearsome Jungle Cats– formerly known as the Houston Texans– by 3 touchdowns! What does 2013 hold in store for us? Could there be a continent-splitting earthquake on the way? Will the Pierre Raiders finally bounce back, or will Al Davis continue to control them from beyond the grave? Will Tom Brady lead the United States to supremacy over the universe? Tune in tomorrow at noon, 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 10:00, and midnight to find out!

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