A press release from Kyle Korver and Kevin Curtis regarding racial inequalities in professional sports

Written By: TMC

Posted on April 17, 2007

With the full support of their families and friends, NBA forward—and Ashton Kutcher body double—Kyle Korver and NFL wide receiver Kevin Curtis are proud to announce the founding of the Alliance for the Preservation of White Athletes (APWA), a civil liberties watchdog group that intends to fight unfair hiring practices in professional sports.

It is common knowledge that the number of white athletes in the NFL and NBA is diminishing rapidly, and the APWA is very concerned about this trend. “I just don’t feel comfortable being stuck in a locker room with all those black guys,” Korver says. “I mean, it wasn’t long ago that there would have been two, maybe even three American whites on the floor at once, and now we’re lucky to see that a couple times a year.”

“It’s sad,” Curtis says. “White kids in the suburbs used to have role models they could believe in. Steve Largent, Fred Biletnikoff, Ed McCaffery, that McConkey guy who played for the Giants, I think. Now, there’s just me and a handful of others, and I include guys like James Thrash who probably aren’t even white, but they could pass for it if you looked from really far away. The point is, there aren’t enough white guys in the league, and, frankly, I think it’s wrong.”

The APWA believes it is a sad state of affairs when professional leagues cannot strike a perfectly even racial balance, and until the leagues do manage to have a precise 50/50 ratio of whites to blacks—with foreigners initially being negligible and eventually being removed altogether—the APWA will continue to fight for social equality. For too long, the average young adult, middle-class white male has faced unfair discrimination and hiring practices; from this day forward, the APWA will demand equal rights for all people, even white athletes.

APWA Board of Trustees member Paul Hornung adds, “The thing is, everyone knows white guys are good at some stuff—like thinking and planning—and black guys are good at other stuff, like jumping and running. But the league is imbalanced now; without the white intellect to complement the black physical prowess, it is impossible to consider the league either complete or fair.”

American professional leagues are in crisis. Without more friendly white faces, the leagues will continue to falter, and the APWA demands that the NFL and NBA enact numerous initiatives to attract more white players to the game, even if young white men are uninterested, or have physical and/or mental disabilities. As long as they are white and have hands, they should be strongly considered for roster spots.

Their skill level is not the real issue; because they’re white, the APWA knows these new recruits will do well enough at shooting three pointers, dribbling the ball chest high, wearing tube socks, running precise pass patterns, and generally being likable high-motor guys (to use the parlance of our times).

All that matters, Korver and Curtis insist, is that the leagues immediately add hundreds of white players, regardless of talent or athleticism, to their rosters in order to combat this blight on our sports culture. “In the end,” Korver says, “all the APWA asks is that you judge us by the color of our skin, rather than the content of our character. Is that too much to ask?”

The APWA asks that the public join their crusade against racial inequality and give white men a chance to succeed.

Note: This might have made a lot more sense if you had read this story first.

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