Sportfiction Interview Series: Who Watches the Eastern Conference Playoffs?
Written By: TMC
Posted on May 21, 2007
Note: This is the first in a continuing series of interviews we’ve conducted with unique sports fans around the world. The series will continue approximately whenever we feel like continuing it. This interview was conducted last night, in a grungy sports bar in Northeast Philly, with Mario Cortes, the only man in the country who will admit to having watched every game in the NBA’s Eastern Conference playoffs.
Cortes was already at the bar when we called to meet with him. Although it was only 11 AM, he wanted to be able to catch “Cold Pizza,” or whatever it’s called now, to hear Skip Bayless’ take on LeBron James. We skipped that and showed up later—we stopped listening to him when he said Ichiro was a better athlete than Lance Armstrong.
Anyway, we arrived around noon, and Cortes was already on his 5th Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t seem to do anything but watch basketball, purchase multi-colored headbands, and wear said headbands to games for his multiple Rec league basketball teams, for which he plays small forward. Cortes is fairly fit—maybe 10 pounds overweight, which is pretty good for a 45 year old man. He has a nicely maintained goatee, and, by most accounts, appears to be a perfectly well-adjusted, sane person who made a fortune when he sued a carpet company at age 38 in response to what he believed were excessive static shocks that caused him undue pain and suffering, not to mention mental anguish.
He welcomed us politely and told us to sit next to him at the bar. We sat, and the interview began.
Sport is Stranger Than Fiction: So, um, what the hell dude?
Mario Cortes: Whaddya mean?
SISTF: Well, have you really watched every game? Even the Magic-Pistons series?
MC: What’s not to love about Grant Hill?
SISTF: He seems like a nice guy, but we heard his own family didn’t even watch games three and four.
MC: All the more reason to watch, right? If his own family doesn’t support him, someone’s gotta do it. I like that guy, ya know? Plus, he was going back to Auburn Hills to play his old team, and you had Darko there…
SISTF: You watched the games for Darko too?
MC: No one ever talks about him, but he’s playing okay now. Sure, he’s no star, but he’s okay. And Carlos Arroyo has some nice games. The US slept on Arroyo and he made them pay.
SISTF: So, is this some kind of national pride scouting thing, taking one for the team, doing your patriotic duty to watch games no one else watches?
MC: Well, kinda, I guess. I mean, the US is cool. I want them to win and all, but it ain’t really about that. It’s more like—here’s me, and there’s a TV, and the games on, so why not see how Carlos Arroyo’s playing?
SISTF: Good point.
MC: But, yeah, it’s also like a patriotic thing where I’m trying to support the economy too—this is big business in America, and if I’m not backing it, what happens to the country?
SISTF: They probably just watch lacrosse instead.
MC: I heard once that one out of every three lacrosse players is named Trey.
SISTF: Even the girls?
MC: I hear a lot of things. Most of them aren’t true, but I say them anyway, because that’s more interesting. But anyway, who the hell wants to watch a bunch of preppy rich kids run around with butterfly nets?
SISTF: So, it’s a class thing?
MC: What, watching basketball? Hell no—I look black to you?
SISTF: Kind of, but maybe more like Mexican.
MC: Well I ain’t either, but that’s not the point. Point is, I just watch the games ‘cause I like basketball, man.
SISTF: So why not watch the Western Conference?
MC: Too much shooting. I like it slow.
SISTF: Perhaps your desire for less shooting is metaphorically rooted in your apprehensions about growing up in a desolate, violent neighborhood?
MC: Hell no—I just hate that reckless, run-and-gun shit. Watch a team like the Wizards, and you get to see some guys really scrapping, fighting for it, you know? Brendan Haywood, he’s fun to watch.
SISTF: You even enjoyed the Wizards without Arenas and Butler?
MC: I liked them even better without Arenas. They try to sell you on the star power and all that crap, but what’s the point?
SISTF: But you watch LeBron…
MC: I watch Varejao and Snow and Newble—guys like me. Guys who can’t shoot that good, and guys whose backs and legs pop like bubble wrap when they just get out of bed. You know—regular guys.
SISTF: So you watch because you see it as some kind of hope for a regular guy to make it in a shitty world?
MC: I already made it—I got my rug company lawsuit, got an endorsement deal with Tarkett, the flooring company, bought two dogs, and retired. Nothing left to make here. I just like watching basketball, man.
SISTF: So, is it a regional thing, where you have a hard time relating to the styles from the West Coast?
MC: I’ve got a tattoo, I’ve been surfing, I watched Baywatch. I’m cool with the West Coast. I just don’t like all this star power crap. What’s the good in watching Steve Nash? I can’t ever run circles around people the way he does, and if my nose exploded, I would have probably got the doc to kill me so I wouldn’t have to see the blood. And Duncan? So, he’s 7 feet tall and still fucking faster than I’ll ever be. Great. Awesome.
SISTF: So it’s a jealousy thing?
MC: You get paid to work for this website?
SISTF: Um… no, actually, I lose money.
MC: That’s a relief. Think about it like this: you’re terrible at interviews, right?
SISTF: Uh…
MC: Right. So, do you get off on watching Mike Wallace bust some politician, or would you rather watch Chevy Chase stumble through an interview like a drunken gorilla?
SISTF: I did like the Chevy Chase show.
MC: Anyone ever ask you why?
SISTF: I guess no one cared.
MC: Me either, but I’m making a point. You could watch that show and say, “Maybe he’s on TV, but I can do that. Even I can make an ass of myself on camera.” I play a couple games a night, then I come home and watch the Eastern Conference. What do I get? I get to see some guy named Pape Sow on Toronto’s bench. I get to see some Swiss guy named Thabo Sefolosha playing big minutes in the 2nd round. And I know I could do that shit.
SISTF: They’re still world-class players—
MC: You haven’t seen every game.
SISTF: Do you plan on watching the rest of the playoffs?
MC: I’ll probably stop after the Conference finals. I don’t need to watch the finals to know a guy like me would get schooled by Duncan. Or even Kirilenko.
SISTF: So then what happens after that?
MC: I’ll probably watch the WNBA.
Author: TMC
Author's Website: http://sportfiction.com/Filed Under TMC, Basketball, Interview Series, Gratuitous Insults towards Women's Sports |
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