I am the most NOW person of all time

Written By: TMC

Posted on July 21, 2007

This whole “Who’s Now” thing on ESPN is a complete joke. Yeah, some people think it’s a ridiculous, poorly conceived waste of time that reminds them of the kinds of celebrity gossip shows you would normally find on E!, but those guys are just jealous that they’re not as NOW as Shaun White or Kelly Slater. The idea of the tournament itself is awesome and might be the coolest thing TV has ever done, besides introducing me to Carlos Mencia and The Singing Bee. It’s at least the 3rd most NOW tournament in the world, behind the NCAA tournament and my fraternity’s daily beer pong tournament (two-time champs!). The problem is, the field is slanted, because they didn’t include me.

Look at some of the clowns they included– Ortiz, Manning, Sharapova. I’m more NOW than all of them combined. I’m more clutch than Ortiz (last week, I almost hit a game winning homer in the first round of my fraternity’s round-robin wiffle ball tournament, and last night, I won $20 playing online poker), have a better family than Manning (my dad is cooler and my brother isn’t autistic), and I’m like the male version of Sharapova when it comes to looking good (that’s why I go tanning as often as I do, and spend so much money on belt buckles). I should totally be in that tournament, and anyone who doesn’t think so is probably some kind of gaybo or a terrorist.

I still vote at least a dozen times every day, but it pisses me off because you can’t do write-in votes. Usually, I wake up around 7, do some push-ups, and then stand in front of the mirror for an hour checking out my awesome tattoos. I have one that spells my name out in Old English letters, and right below that I have barbed wire running around my bicep, kinda like Goldberg, except more NOW than his was. On my other arm, I wanted a Superman logo, but couldn’t afford the full thing yet, so it’s kinda just like an empty pentagon, and I tell people it’s there for America, because nothing is more NOW than loving America and being American. I’ll get the ‘S’ in there someday.

After that, I go and vote. By then I’ve already had 6 red bulls– it takes a ton of energy to be this NOW, you don’t even know how tiring it gets, so that’s why I wear clothes that are pre-ripped and wrinkled and stuff so you see just how tired I am from being so awesomely NOW– so I’m real hyped up, ya know? So every time my name’s not on there I rip my shirt off (I wear a lot of those old Hulkamania tank tops around the house) and go downstairs to kick my dog. My dog is not NOW, and I only have it because my mom made me take it to school with me. My dog is fat and stupid, and it craps everywhere. Things that are NOW don’t crap everywhere. That’s why Najeh Davenport isn’t in the tournament.

Last week, my girlfriend ditched me and called me a loser because I kept talking to her about how NOW I am. She said she didn’t even know what that meant, and I told her, hey, if you knew what it meant, then you’d be NOW too, but you’re not. Then I took some E and rubbed my face against the carpet for a few hours. It was awesome, and I only cried once.

It’s cool that she’s gone, because she’ll would never find anyone as NOW as I am, and when she comes crawling back, I’ll say “sorry, baby, but I’m NOW and you’re THEN.” Then I’ll go on youtube and post that video I secretly took of her when she was on the toilet. That’ll show her, and I’ll be ROTFLMAO’ing all the way to the bank, baby.

So I’m gonna start an online petition to include me in the next Who’s Now bracket (I’d like a bye too, but I guess I shouldn’t push my luck), so then we can settle once and for all that I’m definitely more NOW than Tiger Woods or that ugly swimmer that everyone pretends is hot just because she was in Maxim and FHM. Don’t get me wrong– Maxim and FHM are so NOW that if I were a magazine myself, they’d almost be as NOW as me (and that’s pretty damn NOW), but I just think they screwed that one up. Anyway, the point is, I’m starting a petition, and you should sign it, because it’ll make your TV viewing experience at least 75 percent more NOW effective immediately. And when I’m crowned the King of All Nowness, I’ll remember all the little people who helped me get there by giving you a 5% discount on autographed photos of me doing the most NOW-est things I can think of, like popping wheelies on my Ninja or attaching a nitrous tank to my Honda Civic.

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