Taking

Posted on September 18, 2007

INT. A LIVING ROOM – DAY

The room is prepped for football. GARY, the host of the party, wears a Colts jersey. JOHN wears a Pats jersey. The doorbell rings. Gary runs to the door and opens it. BILL jumps in, also wearing a Colts jersey. He is also sporting a huge boner.

BILL
Yo, ready for the big game! Bring it in for a hug man, bring it in hard.

He goes to give Gary a hug and Gary ducks away.

BILL
What, no love? Oh, right. My boner. Man it is huge, isn’t it?

JOHN
Why’d you bring it here?

Bill plops down on the couch, leaning back, totally comfortable.

BILL
Man, I popped a Viagra at 10 AM! I already screwed my wife frickin’ twice! She kicked me out, she was so satisfied. So I decided to come over here and hang with the fellas. Well, except this guy.

(laughs at his own joke while Gary and John wince)

Whew! I love this boner!!!

Gary and John can’t hide their looks of terror. FREEZE

PEYTON MANNING and TOM BRADY, wearing their respective jersies, enter the frame, only seen from the waist up.

PEYTON MANNING
If it seems like everyone else in the world but you has erectile dysfunction…

TOM BRADY
You are not alone.

PEYTON MANNING
During this game alone, you will watch 400 commercials for Viagrra, Cialis, Levitan, Dr. Porkenheimer’s Franken Juice, whatever.

TOM BRADY
Because of this media saturation, some people will think it’s okay to show up to watch a game with a boner.

PEYTON MANNING
And that’s unacceptable. So we’ve drawn up a few plays to help you deal with the situation.

TOM BRADY
The first play, I like to call the Counter Slap. If there’s a good play in football, sometimes you slap your bud on the ass.

PEYTON MANNING
I know I do! But on this play…

TOM BRADY
Slap him in the boner.

CUT TO: The same living room comes to life. Gary and Bill jump up to celebrate a play. They slap hands and then Gary swats Bill in the boner. Bill bends over in pain. FREEZE

PEYTON MANNING
A good Counter Slap will cause social discomfort.

TOM BRADY
And hopefully intense physical pain.

PEYTON MANNING
The next play is one of my favorites. I call it the Coverage Sack. But it takes guts.

TOM BRADY
And supreme confidence in your sexuality.

The living room. The doorbell rings and Gary answers it. Bill jumps in with a huge boner. Gary jumps into Bill’s arms.

GARY
Hey sailor, wanna get a room?

Bill pulls away and practically runs out the door. FREEZE

TOM BRADY
It helps if you bang a supermodel right afterwards, just to be safe. I know I do!

PEYTON MANNING
Our last play was some good offense, while the next one is some good D.

TOM BRADY
I’ts called Pin Him In His Own Territory.

PEYTON MANNING
All you need is an extensive collection of both paper-based and Internet porn.

TOM BRADY
And a room with broadband connection!

CUT TO: Gary and John and Bill watch the game, Bill with a huge boner still. Gary and Bill exchange looks. They spring into action, grabbing Bill by each arm and dragging him into a room. They slam it, lock the door, and high five.

GARY
Bill, you okay?

JOHN
Yeah, sorry we had to do that.

BILL
(muffled)
It’s…It’s porn heaven! FREEZE

TOM BRADY
That’ll keep him occupied.

PEYTON MANNING
(Whispering)
So Tom, you ever done Viagra before?

TOM BRADY
And that’s not all. There’s literally thousands of plays, the End Around, Harassing the Pocket, Behind the…

PEYTON MANNING
(hissing and nudging)
Hey, Tom, you ever do it? Ever do Viagra?

TOM BRADY
Line of Scrimmage…

PEYTON MANNING
Vi-ag-ra.

TOM BRADY
No, no I never did Viagra.

Tom looks down. The Camera Cuts Away. Peyton has a huge Boner.

TOM BRADY
But I guess you did.

PEYTON MANNING
It’s so awesome.

Tom Brady rolls his eyes.

PEYTON MANNING
Come on, you know you want it.

TOM BRADY
I’m done here.

He walks off. Peyton Manning follows after.

PEYTON MANNING
Tom, Tom, wait up!

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