Results
Posted on March 15, 2007
Dear Coach Tyrone,
Usually I don’t go in for letters. The whole idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings and then licking a stamp and waiting by the mailbox for a reply? I’ll be honest, it feels a tad womanish. But when I tried to get your attention at last week’s Mid-Season Awards Banquet and Fish Fry you pretty much had your hands full with that suck-ass Bud Gindry, who I can’t even be in the vicinity of without wanting to sock him right in the eye.
Unlike Bud Gindry, I’m not a man in favor of useless yammering. What I am in favor of, Coach T, is Results. Results like winning ballgames by double-digit margins and going deep into the playoffs and causing opposing ballcoaches to think about whether they should just fire up the team bus at halftime instead of sticking around for two more quarters of painful helmet-to-helmet tackles and pancake blocks and post-touchdown celebratory taunting.
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DRAFT
Posted on March 9, 2007
Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28
Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre showing in the Filing Challenge (a scout for Citigroup noted Hanson’s problematic need to repeat, under his breath, the “alphabet song,” particularly for files in the R to W range). But a good showing in the typing test really increased his stock, and that impressive Bend n’ Sniff marks him as an employee sure to be a boss’s favorite.
Draft Projection: Early 2nd round — “Yes man” to corporate C.E.O.; personal assistant to Nicole Ritchie.
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