Taking It Down a Notch
Posted on September 18, 2007
INT. A LIVING ROOM – DAY
The room is prepped for football. GARY, the host of the party, wears a Colts jersey. JOHN wears a Pats jersey. The doorbell rings. Gary runs to the door and opens it. BILL jumps in, also wearing a Colts jersey. He is also sporting a huge boner.
BILL
Yo, ready for the big game! Bring it in for a hug man, bring it in hard.
He goes to give Gary a hug and Gary ducks away.
BILL
What, no love? Oh, right. My boner. Man it is huge, isn’t it?
JOHN
Why’d you bring it here?
Bill plops down on the couch, leaning back, totally comfortable.
BILL
Man, I popped a Viagra at 10 AM! I already screwed my wife frickin’ twice! She kicked me out, she was so satisfied. So I decided to come over here and hang with the fellas. Well, except this guy.
(laughs at his own joke while Gary and John wince)
Whew! I love this boner!!!
Gary and John can’t hide their looks of terror. FREEZE
PEYTON MANNING and TOM BRADY, wearing their respective jersies, enter the frame, only seen from the waist up.
PEYTON MANNING
If it seems like everyone else in the world but you has erectile dysfunction…
TOM BRADY
You are not alone.
PEYTON MANNING
During this game alone, you will watch 400 commercials for Viagrra, Cialis, Levitan, Dr. Porkenheimer’s Franken Juice, whatever.
TOM BRADY
Because of this media saturation, some people will think it’s okay to show up to watch a game with a boner.
PEYTON MANNING
And that’s unacceptable. So we’ve drawn up a few plays to help you deal with the situation.
TOM BRADY
The first play, I like to call the Counter Slap. If there’s a good play in football, sometimes you slap your bud on the ass.
PEYTON MANNING
I know I do! But on this play…
TOM BRADY
Slap him in the boner.
CUT TO: The same living room comes to life. Gary and Bill jump up to celebrate a play. They slap hands and then Gary swats Bill in the boner. Bill bends over in pain. FREEZE
PEYTON MANNING
A good Counter Slap will cause social discomfort.
TOM BRADY
And hopefully intense physical pain.
PEYTON MANNING
The next play is one of my favorites. I call it the Coverage Sack. But it takes guts.
TOM BRADY
And supreme confidence in your sexuality.
The living room. The doorbell rings and Gary answers it. Bill jumps in with a huge boner. Gary jumps into Bill’s arms.
GARY
Hey sailor, wanna get a room?
Bill pulls away and practically runs out the door. FREEZE
TOM BRADY
It helps if you bang a supermodel right afterwards, just to be safe. I know I do!
PEYTON MANNING
Our last play was some good offense, while the next one is some good D.
TOM BRADY
I’ts called Pin Him In His Own Territory.
PEYTON MANNING
All you need is an extensive collection of both paper-based and Internet porn.
TOM BRADY
And a room with broadband connection!
CUT TO: Gary and John and Bill watch the game, Bill with a huge boner still. Gary and Bill exchange looks. They spring into action, grabbing Bill by each arm and dragging him into a room. They slam it, lock the door, and high five.
GARY
Bill, you okay?
JOHN
Yeah, sorry we had to do that.
BILL
(muffled)
It’s…It’s porn heaven! FREEZE
TOM BRADY
That’ll keep him occupied.
PEYTON MANNING
(Whispering)
So Tom, you ever done Viagra before?
TOM BRADY
And that’s not all. There’s literally thousands of plays, the End Around, Harassing the Pocket, Behind the…
PEYTON MANNING
(hissing and nudging)
Hey, Tom, you ever do it? Ever do Viagra?
TOM BRADY
Line of Scrimmage…
PEYTON MANNING
Vi-ag-ra.
TOM BRADY
No, no I never did Viagra.
Tom looks down. The Camera Cuts Away. Peyton has a huge Boner.
TOM BRADY
But I guess you did.
PEYTON MANNING
It’s so awesome.
Tom Brady rolls his eyes.
PEYTON MANNING
Come on, you know you want it.
TOM BRADY
I’m done here.
He walks off. Peyton Manning follows after.
PEYTON MANNING
Tom, Tom, wait up!
Filed Under Football, Aaron, Erectile Dysfunction | 1 Comment
Coach Tim Krumrie Tittyfights Michigan Standout DT Alan Branch: The Real Story
Posted on March 21, 2007
From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH
Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point during his session with Krumrie, Branch appeared to be ready to quit.Gil Brandt of NFL.com corroborates this in his Pro Day updates: “Tim Krumrie worked Branch hard during the position drills, and the scouts there said Branch did not look like he was in very good shape.”
Krumrie, better known to most fans as the guy who got Theismanned during Super Bowl XXIII, is a legend in league circles for the no-pads hand-fighting test, to which he subjects many of the linemen he is scouting.
“It’s Gladiator stuff,” said one league source.
For Branch, who is projected by many as a top-ten pick, the end result apparently was thumbs down.
Rumors may be trickling at the Rumor Mill, but here at Sportfiction there’s a virtual torrent of speculation at what actually happened. One extremely well placed source described the incident for us in intricate, immediate detail. His account follows.
Coach Tim Krumrie and top defensive tackle prospect Alan Branch stand alone in a gymnasium.
Coach Tim Krumrie: Slap me, big fella!
Alan Branch: Huh?
Coach Tim Krumrie: I said slap me!
Alan Branch: Why?
Coach Tim Krumrie: You want to get drafted, slap me!!
Alan Branch: Okay.
Read more
Filed Under Football, Aaron, Sports Media, Coach Tim Krumrie, Scouting | 1 Comment
A Transcript of the Press Conference Announcing David Beckham’s Decision to Play Football in America
Posted on March 16, 2007
(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)
David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.
Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured on HBO’s Inside the NFL. I have a regular column on SI.com called Mundane Morning Quarterback in which I assiduously detail my airport and coffee experiences and my daughters’ softball games. From what I am given to understand, it looks like I’m in denial that my daughter Mary Beth is a lesbian, a fate she in fact could never avoid because of a distressingly close resemblance to me.
David Beckham: And what’s your question?
Peter King: Oh. Right. Well, do you think you will be playing kicker, and for what team?
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Filed Under Football, Soccer, Aaron, Sports Media | 2 Comments
