Sports Are VERY Important!
Posted on February 5, 2007
ALIEN ASCHBERGER: WELCOME TO “SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!” A SPORTS COMMENTARY SHOW ABOUT THE CONTINUING IMPORTANCE OF HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS ARE!
CORNELL CORNLICKER: THAT’S RIGHT! SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
AA: SO, CORNELL, I ASK YOU . . . NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, ARE SPORTS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEY WERE WHEN THEY WERE ONLY VERY IMPORTANT A FEW DAYS AGO?
CC: ONE WORD, BABY: PITCHERS AND CATCHERS. PITCHERS AND CATCHERS, BABY!
AA: THAT’S TWO WORDS, YOU DUMB IDIOT!!!
CC: SUCK YOURSELF, ALIEN!
AA: KNOW WHO CAN SUCK HIMSELF NOW? PEYTON MANNING!
CC: AND THAT COACH, TOO, HE CAN SUCK HIMSELF, AS WELL. AN ALL-NIGHT-LONG SUCK HE CAN DO IT NOW HE IS SO IMPORTANT.
AA: THE IMPORTANCE OF SPORTS MAKES SUCH SUCKING POSSIBLE NOW MORE THAN IT EVER HAD BEEN POSSIBLE BEFORE WHEN SPORTS WERE ONLY RATHER IMPORTANT!
CC: SPORTS ARE VERY MUCH MORE IMPORTANT NOW!
AA: THE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN VETERAN’S DAY, IN FACT.
CC: BUT WITHOUT VETERAN’S DAY WE WOULD HAVE NO SPORTS TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE SPORTSMEN WOULD BE KILLED DEFENDING OUR RIGHTS TO PLAY SPORTS WITHOUT BEING KILLED.
AA: A VERY IMPORTANT POINT!
CC: WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I LEARNED IMPORTANT LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS. VERY IMPORTANT LESSIONS WITHOUT WHICH I WOULDN’T HAVE LEARNED THESE LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS BUT DOING SOMETHING ELSE THAT WAS NOT AS IMPORTANT.
AA: WHEN MY SON WATCHES US YELL HE LEARNS IMPORTANT LESSONS NOW MORE THAN WE EVER DID LEARN PLAYING SPORTS. ALL WE HAD WAS “THIS WEEK IN BASEBALL”.
CC: BUT IF WE DIDN’T YELL HOW WOULD PEOPLE KNOW THAT SPORTS ARE NOW VERY IMPORTANT?
AA: THEY WOULD THINK SPORTS WERE A SECRET!
CC: BUT SPORTS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF A SECRET!
AA: THEY ARE SUPPORTED BY ADVERTISERS WHO FEED OUR OBSESSION WITH ANIMALS AND HUMOR AND CELEBRITIES!
AA: A CAVEMAN ACCIDENTALLY ELECTROCUTED BY A CELEBRITY TO HELP SELL CAR INSURANCE TO SPORTS FANS SHOULD NOT BE A SECRET BECAUSE IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON, BUT NOT AS IMPORTANT AS SPORTS ARE. AT LEAST NOT NOW THAT SPORTS ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SPORTS EVER WERE IMPORTANT.
CC: WITHOUT SPORTS, YOU WOULD NOT BE SITTING THERE DRESSED AS A SPANISH INQUISTOR BUT WOULD BE DRESSED AS A MAN OF IMPORTANCE STOPPING KIDS FROM KILLING EACH OTHER OVER IVERSON JERSEYS AND THE JERSEYS OF OTHER BASKETBALL PLAYERS AS IMPORTANT AS IVERSON AND ATHLETES WHO DON’T EVEN PLAY BASKETBALL!
AA: HA HA HA. BUT BECAUSE OF SPORTS I SIT HERE WEARING THIS WOLFMAN MASK YELLING AT YOU ABOUT HOW SPORTS ARE IMPORTANT UNLESS WE ARE ATTACKED OR BOMBED OR A BIG STORM COMES WHEREUPON WE SAY THAT SPORTS ARE MOMENTARILY UNIMPORTANT.
CC: BUT OTHERWISE SPORTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN CITIES ENJOYING THE SLOW PROCESS OF BEING DESTROYED BY OUR IMPORTANT FASCINATION WITH SPORTS. FOR EXAMPLE OUR GOVERNOR ON TELEVISION TALKING ABOUT SPORTS WHEN HALF OUR CITY IS DESTROYED!!!
AA: IF IT WEREN’T FOR URBAN DECAY, WE WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE SPORTS BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO DISTRACT OUR GOVERNOR FROM!
CC: HA HA HA! THAT IS VERY FUNNY! I KNOW WE KEEP SAYING IT OVER AND OVER BUT IF WE STOPPED SAYING IT IN A VERY LOUD VOICE FOR A MOMENT MAYBE WE WOULD FORGET HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS WERE AND MAYBE WE MIGHT START YELLING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
AA: HA HA HA! TOO FUNNY!
CC: HA HA! FUNNY, YES!
AA: HA! HA!
CC: THAT IS VERY FUNNY!
AA: BUT NOW WE MOVE ON TO IMPORTANT SPECULATION ABOUT NEXT YEAR’S SUPER BOWL WINNER!
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