The Two Loneliest Men in the World
Posted on May 1, 2007
[Tom Brady dials Randy Moss’ phone number after getting word that the Patriots have traded for him, and Moss answers after 19 rings.]
Moss: If you’re calling to invite me to that surprise party for Al Davis, I already told you– I ain’t going!
Brady: Hey, Randy, I heard we traded for you.
Moss: [inhales deeply, as if smoking] Who’s this?
Brady: Tom Brady.
Moss: Like the Brady Bill, with the guns and all?
Brady: No, like three Super Bowls Tom Brady. Best quarterback in the league Tom Brady.
Moss: [coughs painfully, as if forcing a golf ball from his throat] Doesn’t ring a bell.
Brady [sighs]: The dude who knocked up Gisele.
Moss: Oh, Tom Brady! I know how that is. I’m on the hook with four kids—she get you for all the babymamma money yet?
Brady: Not yet. [scratches chest with receiver so Randy can hear the manly bristling of his chest hairs, which are going prematurely gray, but no one knows that except for Andruzzi, and he’s sworn to secrecy.]
Moss: She got me man… draining me, dude.
Brady: How much you paying?
Moss: I don’t know—I don’t pay no attention to that shit. I just go by the house with a sack full of nickels. You know how it is— when you’re rich you don’t write checks, right?
Brady: Yeah, I guess. Coach B holds my money for me. [yanks his empty pockets outward into Hoover flags like a cartoon cat who can’t afford to buy the ukelele he’s set his eyes on, and then remembers Randy can’t see him, and then smacks himself in the head for being so stupid, and then wonders if Randy heard the smack on his forehead.] He promised he’ll give it to me when I retire.
Moss: How you know he ain’t spending it?
Brady: Have you seen how he dresses? He looks like my retarded cousin after a shopping spree at the thrift store.
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Filed Under TMC, Football, Tom Brady, Randy Moss | 2 Comments
