Stories
Taking It Down a Notch
Posted on September 18, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
INT. A LIVING ROOM – DAY
The room is prepped for football. GARY, the host of the party, wears a Colts jersey. JOHN wears a Pats jersey. The doorbell rings. Gary runs to the door and opens it. BILL jumps in, also wearing a Colts jersey. He is also sporting a huge […]
Filed Under Football, Aaron, Erectile Dysfunction | 1 Comment
The Drunken Striker
Posted on July 26, 2007
Written By: TMC
They told me when I signed up for this that it would be fun, that we’d all enjoy ourselves and that we’d remember it forever, vividly, like how people remember the first time they got laid, or the last time they had a cigarette, or the pain they felt when they fell out of a […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Soccer, recreational alcoholism | Leave a Comment
I am the most NOW person of all time
Posted on July 21, 2007
Written By: TMC
This whole “Who’s Now” thing on ESPN is a complete joke. Yeah, some people think it’s a ridiculous, poorly conceived waste of time that reminds them of the kinds of celebrity gossip shows you would normally find on E!, but those guys are just jealous that they’re not as NOW as Shaun White […]
Read More...Filed Under Uncategorized, TMC, Sports Media, poop humor, Gratuitous Insults towards Women's Sports | 1 Comment
Father Pushes wheelchair-bound son through marathons; Lee writes story
Posted on June 26, 2007
Written By: TMC
Saw a report today on Team Hoyt, a father-son racing duo so unique that my own words can’t do it justice. So, let’s have their website tell the story:
Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if they’re not in a […]
Filed Under TMC, Nonfictional stuff that doesn't belong here | Leave a Comment
When the Ball Died at Second
Posted on June 21, 2007
Written By: TMC
We had all bled on the field and played through the pain at one time or another, but none of us had ever seen the ball bleed before. Parry had hit the damn thing so hard that we didn’t hear the familiar crack of bat on ball—some of us heard nothing, while others, me […]
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The Legless Catcher
Posted on June 14, 2007
Written By: TMC
By the time we finally won a championship, we were twenty years deep into the war and nobody cheered, because everybody was either dead or dying. We were replacement players, called in because we were unfit to be soldiers, but just fit enough to be able to squeeze into uniforms and put on a […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Baseball, apocalyptic nonsense | Leave a Comment
Watching Basketball with his Son
Posted on June 12, 2007
Written By: TMC
Robert leaned forward in the recliner and pointed at the TV. “See how he bends his knees like that,” he said, “that’s what you’re doing wrong. You have to get low when you’re playing defense.” Michael, his son, looked up from a handheld video game and whimpered. Robert continued: “You play […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Basketball, bad parenting, childhood obesity | Leave a Comment
Williams Beta to argue records case
Posted on May 30, 2007
Written By: Chris Manley
Tuesday, November 8, 2033
Williams Beta to argue records case
by Reade Seligmann
Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK (AP) – Commissioner of Baseball George W. Bush will today hear arguments on both sides of the continuing battle over the achievements of Yankee’s infielder Ted Williams Beta. Bush is not expected to make a decision until late next week.
Lawyers for […]
Filed Under Chris Stories, Baseball, Cloning | Leave a Comment
Sportfiction Interview Series: Who Watches the Eastern Conference Playoffs?
Posted on May 21, 2007
Written By: TMC
Note: This is the first in a continuing series of interviews we’ve conducted with unique sports fans around the world. The series will continue approximately whenever we feel like continuing it. This interview was conducted last night, in a grungy sports bar in Northeast Philly, with Mario Cortes, the only man in the […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Basketball, Interview Series, Gratuitous Insults towards Women's Sports | Leave a Comment
Head Case
Posted on May 17, 2007
Written By: TMC
Note: Upon hearing the NFL’s continued insistence that there is no correlation between repeated head trauma and long-term cognitive difficulties (including dementia, early onset Alzheimer’s disease, decreased motor function, memory loss, and depression), we at Sport is Stranger than Fiction sent our very own investigative reporter to the home of Dr. Ian Casson– a spokesman-physician […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Football, Dr. Ian Casson, Jokes about brain injuries | 3 Comments
Home Opener
Posted on May 11, 2007
Written By: Other
By: Adam McGrath
Very, very early on the morning of April 9th, Pat McCarthy and his buddy Tim Donahue walked up to the front door of Casey Moran’s, one of the ubiquitous Irish Pubs that populate Wrigleyville. Normally, these two would have been stumbling out the door at this time of day, instead of waiting […]
Filed Under Baseball, Other Contributors, Cubs | Leave a Comment
The Day Harvey Masters Ran out of Things to Say About Sports
Posted on May 8, 2007
Written By: TMC
The studio lights burned into Harvey’s skin like a summer sun. His tie tightened around his corpulent neck and he felt the sweat dripping down his side and channeling into the folds around his hip. The back of his suit was soaked through and he was sure everyone on the set could smell […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Sports Media | 1 Comment
I am so proud
Posted on May 3, 2007
Written By: Jason Lewis
My wife just forwarded me this image:
What a day to be a WVU alum. Sad that this is the first thing that I put up on the ol’ sportfiction site, but as much as it pains me, this is funny. At what point in the recruiting process, during practice, sometime, didn’t the coaches or assistants…somebody…see […]
Filed Under Football, Jason, Nonfictional stuff that doesn't belong here, poop humor | 1 Comment
Post-Draft Blues
Posted on May 3, 2007
Written By: TMC
Toby came downstairs and stepped right over me as I laid there, my face buried in the carpet like I was grazing. I heard ice cubes clatter into a glass, and then he opened the fridge to pour himself a drink. The fridge didn’t close, but his bare feet scraped slowly across the rug. […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Football, Philly Sports, Sports Media, Kevin Kolb, Donovan Mcnabb | 1 Comment
The Two Loneliest Men in the World
Posted on May 1, 2007
Written By: TMC
[Tom Brady dials Randy Moss’ phone number after getting word that the Patriots have traded for him, and Moss answers after 19 rings.]
Moss: If you’re calling to invite me to that surprise party for Al Davis, I already told you– I ain’t going!
Brady: Hey, Randy, I heard we traded for you.
Moss: [inhales deeply, as […]
Filed Under TMC, Football, Tom Brady, Randy Moss | 2 Comments
A press release from Kyle Korver and Kevin Curtis regarding racial inequalities in professional sports
Posted on April 17, 2007
Written By: TMC
With the full support of their families and friends, NBA forward—and Ashton Kutcher body double—Kyle Korver and NFL wide receiver Kevin Curtis are proud to announce the founding of the Alliance for the Preservation of White Athletes (APWA), a civil liberties watchdog group that intends to fight unfair hiring practices in professional sports.
It […]
Filed Under TMC, Football, Baseball, Basketball, Kyle Korver, Kevin Curtis, Phil McConkey | Leave a Comment
Poo-tee-weet?
Posted on April 12, 2007
Written By: TMC
Kurt Vonnegut would probably never stop laughing if he saw how many tributes were written to him today, but I can’t help myself– the two people most responsible for my being a writer are, in order, my dad and Kurt Vonnegut. I know I’ll manage quite well without either of them around, but that […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Kurt Vonnegut, Nonfictional stuff that doesn't belong here | 4 Comments
When we Knew the World Was Going to End
Posted on April 4, 2007
Written By: TMC
When the national anthem began, we stood as one, hats flipped off of heads, hands over hearts, eyes on the field where the President stood, and we really listened to the words again, after years of ignoring them, sipping on our beers and sneaking looks down the tank tops of the underage girls two rows […]
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Tyrone Hill Writes a Haiku after watching the NCAA Championship Game
Posted on April 4, 2007
Written By: Other
Joakim Noah
Repeat college champion
Uglier than me
Filed Under Basketball, Other Contributors, Tyrone Hill, Joakim Noah | 1 Comment
The NFL Countdown Crew Predicts the 2012 Super Bowl
Posted on March 28, 2007
Written By: TMC
Chris Berman: Welcome back to NFL Countdown everybody! As you know, it’s the off-season for the NFL, but we don’t get an off-season here.
Tom Jackson: That’s right, Boom!
Berman: Thanks, Tom.
Jackson: No problem, Boom!
Berman: I love this guy! Anyway, as you know, TJ, Steve, Mort, Mel Kiper, Bill Parcells, […]
Filed Under TMC, Football, Sports Media, Pol Pot | 3 Comments
Coach Tim Krumrie Tittyfights Michigan Standout DT Alan Branch: The Real Story
Posted on March 21, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH
Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point […]
Filed Under Football, Aaron, Sports Media, Coach Tim Krumrie, Scouting | 1 Comment
A Transcript of the Press Conference Announcing David Beckham’s Decision to Play Football in America
Posted on March 16, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)
David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.
Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured […]
Filed Under Football, Soccer, Aaron, Sports Media | 2 Comments
Results
Posted on March 15, 2007
Written By: Mike Ingram
Dear Coach Tyrone,
Usually I don’t go in for letters. The whole idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings and then licking a stamp and waiting by the mailbox for a reply? I’ll be honest, it feels a tad womanish. But when I tried to get your attention at last week’s Mid-Season Awards Banquet and […]
Filed Under Football, Mike | Leave a Comment
Who Will Be the NHL’s Pat Tillman?
Posted on March 12, 2007
Written By: TMC
March 11, 2007
From: Commissioner Gary Bettman
To: NHL Player’s Association
Subject: Recent Negative Press
Good afternoon, everyone! I write today with news of an exciting new plan to improve our public image and to boost our ratings. As you know—or maybe you don’t know, but now you do—our ratings lately have been less than stellar. […]
Filed Under TMC, Hockey, Pat Tillman | 1 Comment
DRAFT STATUS
Posted on March 9, 2007
Written By: Mike Ingram
Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28
Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre […]
Filed Under Football, Mike, Gheorghe Muresan, Scouting | 2 Comments
What it Feels Like To Hug a Cloud
Posted on March 9, 2007
Written By: TMC
I saw my Dad for the first time in four years today. I stood in the supermarket in front of the frozen meats and he was at the end of the snack aisle, penned in behind a fleshy, red-faced woman and her cart full of sugar water and canned death. I waved to […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Football, Philly Sports | 2 Comments
This is The Redskins’ Year…
Posted on March 5, 2007
Written By: Other
By: Ronald Otis
I just got off the phone with Steve. He’s pretty psyched about the Skins’ off-season so far, although he said he kinda hoped we would have done more. Maybe Adalius Thomas or Stallworth. I told him it’s only been a week, and he says we had Randle El, Archuleta, and […]
Filed Under Football, Other Contributors | 1 Comment
Thank God for AJ Feeley
Posted on March 4, 2007
Written By: TMC
Gus pushed through the door to The Lucky Shamrock, and was surprised to see that his old stool was free. In the adjacent stool, a tired woman sat, nursing her drink and wasting the seconds before she had to go home. He’d never seen a lonelier woman in his life, but there was […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Football, Philly Sports, Donovan Mcnabb | Leave a Comment
An Open Letter from Tim Hardaway to the Public
Posted on February 21, 2007
Written By: TMC
Hey y’all, this is Tim Hardaway, checking in to clear my name. Y’all might’ve heard about how me and Dan LeBatard were talking about that gay dude from the Magic, and how I said some things about how I wouldn’t want no gay dudes on my team. Somehow, since then, the media’s got […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Basketball, Tim Hardaway | 2 Comments
Transcript of a Phone Call From Ron Rivera to Jesse Jackson
Posted on February 20, 2007
Written By: TMC
Jackson: Yello?
Rivera: Good morning, Reverend Jackson, this is Ron Rivera…
Jackson: Who? I don’t know no Ron Rivera.
Rivera: I used to play for the Bears back in the ‘80s, and I most recently worked as their defensive coordinator…
Jackson: Who? What Bears we talking about? Is this some kind of hunting thing? I don’t hunt, you […]
Filed Under TMC, Football | Leave a Comment
Stillman Wanted a Championship
Posted on February 9, 2007
Written By: TMC
Stillman had spent a lifetime waiting for a championship, and when it finally came, he barely noticed because he was too busy dying. When the first baseman— his first baseman, the one whose jersey he’d worn for years, the one whose trading card was worth hundreds of dollars, the one he’d loved as desperately […]
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Baseball | 2 Comments
Sports Are VERY Important!
Posted on February 5, 2007
Written By: Lee Klein
ALIEN ASCHBERGER: WELCOME TO “SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!” A SPORTS COMMENTARY SHOW ABOUT THE CONTINUING IMPORTANCE OF HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS ARE!
CORNELL CORNLICKER: THAT’S RIGHT! SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
AA: SO, CORNELL, I ASK YOU . . . NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, ARE SPORTS MORE IMPORTANT […]
Filed Under Lee, Sports Media | 5 Comments
The Worst Thing About Watching Your Father Stab Himself to Death
Posted on February 3, 2007
Written By: TMC
Eventually, the terrible writers from the local papers were overtaken by mediocre writers from the national papers. They flocked to Northeast Philly to pimp his pain and fill the void of human interest stories, left by a lull between runaway brides and dead American girls in Aruba. For a week, he was the human interest story, the kid whose father had stabbed himself in the thigh during a meth binge and bled to death on the couch, and whose mother was dying of AIDS in a prison cell. A great story, a real American tragedy—the confluence of drugs, violence, and sex in a crumbling city. If only he were black; then they could really push it to the next level.
Read More...Filed Under TMC, Soccer | 3 Comments
The International Government Football League: Emails from Donald Rumsfeld to George W. Bush
Posted on February 2, 2007
Written By: TMC
July 4th, 2003
Subject: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld
To: George W. Bush
Mr. President,
The UN has approved our proposal of establishing the International Governmental Football League (IGFL) as an alternate means of settling diplomatic disputes. The rules are as follows:
1. Kofi Annan will act as Commissioner, unless we can persuade David Stern to leave the NBA.
2. All nations must field a team comprised of, and coached by, government employees. Even some rogue factions—Iraq and Al Qaeda, for example—have agreed to join the league.
3. We will play a 10 game season, followed by a 10-team playoff. Teams will not enter the playoffs based on won-loss records, but rather playoff seeding will be determined by a complex computer ranking system that takes into account fifty-eight carefully chosen factors, including: quality of victory, team colors, attractiveness of cheerleaders, strength of schedule, average yards per punt, number of Hail Mary passes completed, number of flea-flickers run, and an international text message poll.
Filed Under TMC, Football, International Sport | 2 Comments
The Passion of Matt Millen
Posted on February 2, 2007
Written By: TMC
He wondered if any of the fans really appreciated what he’d sacrificed for them. Most of them couldn’t make it through a single day in this life, but they all thought they were experts. And today, they decided not to come at all. The silence hurt much more than the boos ever would. At least when they booed, he knew he still mattered. If they just turned their backs and walked away, what would stop him from disappearing too?
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