Stories
Taking
Posted on September 18, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
INT. A LIVING ROOM – DAY
The room is prepped for football. GARY, the host of the party, wears a Colts jersey. JOHN wears a Pats jersey. The doorbell rings. Gary runs to the door and opens it. BILL jumps in, also wearing a Colts jersey. He is also sporting a huge […]
Filed Under Erectile Dysfunction | Comments Off
Williams
Posted on May 30, 2007
Written By: Chris Manley
Tuesday, November 8, 2033
Williams Beta to argue records case
by Reade Seligmann
Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK (AP) – Commissioner of Baseball George W. Bush will today hear arguments on both sides of the continuing battle over the achievements of Yankee’s infielder Ted Williams Beta. Bush is not expected to make a decision until late next week.
Lawyers for […]
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Coach
Posted on March 21, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH
Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point […]
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A
Posted on March 16, 2007
Written By: Aaron Pease
(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)
David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.
Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured […]
Results
Posted on March 15, 2007
Written By: Mike Ingram
Dear Coach Tyrone,
Usually I don’t go in for letters. The whole idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings and then licking a stamp and waiting by the mailbox for a reply? I’ll be honest, it feels a tad womanish. But when I tried to get your attention at last week’s Mid-Season Awards Banquet and […]
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DRAFT
Posted on March 9, 2007
Written By: Mike Ingram
Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28
Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre […]
What
Posted on March 9, 2007
Written By: TMC
I saw my Dad for the first time in four years today. I stood in the supermarket in front of the frozen meats and he was at the end of the snack aisle, penned in behind a fleshy, red-faced woman and her cart full of sugar water and canned death. I waved to […]
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Sports
Posted on February 5, 2007
Written By: Lee Klein
ALIEN ASCHBERGER: WELCOME TO “SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!” A SPORTS COMMENTARY SHOW ABOUT THE CONTINUING IMPORTANCE OF HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS ARE!
CORNELL CORNLICKER: THAT’S RIGHT! SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
AA: SO, CORNELL, I ASK YOU . . . NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, ARE SPORTS MORE IMPORTANT […]
Filed Under Lee | 3 Comments
The
Posted on February 3, 2007
Written By: TMC
Eventually, the terrible writers from the local papers were overtaken by mediocre writers from the national papers. They flocked to Northeast Philly to pimp his pain and fill the void of human interest stories, left by a lull between runaway brides and dead American girls in Aruba. For a week, he was <em>the </em>human interest story, the kid whose father had stabbed himself in the thigh during a meth binge and bled to death on the couch, and whose mother was dying of AIDS in a prison cell. A great story, a real American tragedy—the confluence of drugs, violence, and sex in a crumbling city. If only he were black; then they could really push it to the next level.
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The
Posted on February 2, 2007
Written By: TMC
<strong>July 4th, 2003
Subject: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld <capthowdy@whitehouse.gov>
To: George W. Bush <ParTDuDe69@whitehouse.gov> </strong>
Mr. President,
The UN has approved our proposal of establishing the International Governmental Football League (IGFL) as an alternate means of settling diplomatic disputes. The rules are as follows:
1. Kofi Annan will act as Commissioner, unless we can persuade David Stern to leave the NBA.
2. All nations must field a team comprised of, and coached by, government employees. Even some rogue factions—Iraq and Al Qaeda, for example—have agreed to join the league.
3. We will play a 10 game season, followed by a 10-team playoff. Teams will not enter the playoffs based on won-loss records, but rather playoff seeding will be determined by a complex computer ranking system that takes into account fifty-eight carefully chosen factors, including: quality of victory, team colors, attractiveness of cheerleaders, strength of schedule, average yards per punt, number of Hail Mary passes completed, number of flea-flickers run, and an international text message poll.
Filed Under Football | 2 Comments
